SA Idols Season 8: Something wicked this way comes

Board up your windows and lock your doors.  The horror that is South African reality television intensifies this weekend when the foulest franchise to plague our nation is resurrected to walk the earth for yet another season.

Unleashing a scourge upon the land, the siren call of fame brings to life thousands of mindless hungry ghouls, desperately clawing their way out of graves of obscurity for a moment in the light.  In their thousands they follow the scent of decay and descend upon stadiums and community centres, wandering aimlessly in queues.

After a long day of pushing and snapping, the moment arrives when individual contestants are herded into a well lit dungeon, lined with cameras.  There they proceed to tear the heads off their favourite songs and suck the life from horrified viewers. A gruesome display, their feverish and off key lamentations make it clear that the only pitch these contestants have ever heard of was a type of fork the villagers back home chased them with.

A creatively starved production that has long ago been killed off by scandal, the grating display is perpetuated and manipulated by a trio of judges and sustained only by the power of their egos and the life force that they draw from a terrified camera man aiming the lens in their general direction.  Limitless in their capacity to bore and annoy, and seemingly unstoppable, they return year after year, and when one self destructs in a vodka fuelled explosion of boney shrapnel, another hungry emissary of undeath immediately  rises to take its place.

Who will receive a golden stamp of approval from the undead trio and what foul creatures will they unleash on us this year?

South African Idols Season 8 starts on M-Net on Sunday, 3 June 2012, at 17h30

Alcatraz - Pilot Review

"On March 21st 1963, Alcatraz officially closed," the grisly narrator tells us in the opening moments, "due to rising costs and decrepit facilities.  All the prisoners were transferred off the island. Only that's not what happened. Not all."

Alcatraz is about the mysterious disappearance of 300 odd prisoners and guards off Alcatraz and how they have suddenly come back without having aged a day.  Remember when the whole world blacked out and saw a flash of the future in Flash Forward?  Remember how little you cared about the premise of that lifeless show?  Prepare yourself to care even less. 

Alcatraz takes a potentially intriguing premise and forces it into a flat and formulaic mold.  From the laughable tough and clever police officer and heroine Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) to the quirky Alcatraz expert and comic book writer Dr Diego Soto (Jorge Garcia, better known for playing Hurley in Lost) and the sinister government agent Emmerson Hauser (Sam Neill), Alcatraz almost immediately falls into a pattern where Madsen investigates, Soto connects the dots and Hauser looks sinister.  Jokingly referred to by TV critics as Lost in reverse, this time around people are walking around in a city, having flashbacks about being on an island.

Whilst our heroes don't seem to be much fazed by the supposedly strange goings on, female viewers should be quite pleased when early on in the pilot one of Alcatraz's biggest secrets is revealed:  the Rock was apparently a prison for washed up male models. Inmates with perfect teeth, square jaws and designer stubble abounded.  And now, they have mysteriously been sent forward in time to wreak havoc on modern society.  It's all terribly mysterious and oh so very boring.

Amazingly, JJ Abrams, the producer of such marvels as Alias and Lost, is also responsible for this heavy humourless flop.  Perhaps too preoccupied with all his current motion picture successes, we are sure that even Mr Abrams himself was not too surprised when this lame duck was cancelled after one season.

Get retro fashion tips from the time lost Alcatraz inmates on M-Net on Tuesdays at 20h30

American Idol Season 11 - And the winner is...

A belated congratulations to a Phillip Phillips for taking the crown in Season 11!  All things considered, he is probably the most talented contestant to win in the past 5 years. And he can sing too.

Anaconda 3: Offspring

Tonight e.tv hits rock bottom and starts digging, when, for the third week in a row, they dredge up yet another Anaconda horror flick for the Sunday night movie slot.  

And Anaconda 3: Offspring is hands downs the runt of the litter, which, given the dubious quality of the first two instalments, is pretty much an accomplishment.  A sequel to the storyline of Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Offspring revolves around two large, angry and very hungry Blood Orchid enhanced snakes that escape from a secret laboratory and start chewing up the citizenry. Expect more nobodies to be devoured, but this time the acting, plot and even the CGI snakes themselves is even more transparent than before. The cherry on the cake? The hero is portrayed by the Hoff. 

Cheap and nasty and not even in a remotely funny way, Anaconda 3 is quite possibly the worst movie to feature in this time slot in a long time. We say, if you don't have any options other than to watch this junk, rather read a book.

Anaconda 3: Offspring airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Enlightened - Episode 10 (Season Finale)

Amy is mad and she is not going to take it anymore. 

Sadly, DSTV has not given viewers much of an opportunity to fall in love with the self destructive reborn corporate hippie Amy Jellicoe. Screening double episodes of Enlightened late on Saturday evenings on M-Net Series the first season of this remarkable comedy drama was over so quickly that most viewers have probably never even heard of it.

Tonight, in the season finale, Amy has another spectacular work place blow out when she declares war on Abaddon Industries, busts out the gasoline, soaks the offices and drops a match. How is she ever going to recover from this one?  Or is her over the top breakdown perhaps all just a clever metaphor?

With a unique mix of touching drama and laugh out loud hilarity, Enlightened has not only earned Laura Dern a Golden Globe for her portrayal of a modern day corporate Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde, but it is definitely one of the best series to hit our screens this year.  

Watch Amy set fire to Enlightened on M-Net Series tonight at 22h30 and 23h00

The Bachelor - Season 15 Episode 9 - South African Fantasy Dates

Brad is coming to South Africa!  And no, ladies, unfortunately no panties will need to be flung at Cape Town International this weekend, because tonight's action was sadly shot on location in South Africa more than a year ago.

Having whittled the lustful ladies down to a desperate threesome, Bachelor Brad Womack drags Emily, Chantal and Ashley to scenic South Africa for more exciting dream dates.  Expect all the usual cliches.  The couples dress up in ridiculous safari gear and then get driven around to gawp at animals.  (One wonders what the purpose of those drab outfits are these days, other than being a neon sign pointing out the naive and gullible fools to the local criminals of course.) Bugs are eaten too and the obligatory elephants are ridden, but ultimately very little can be done to disguise the fact that poor old Brad is still not ready for what these ladies have to offer.

Don't miss The Bachelor tonight on Vuzu at 20h30

Bar One Manhunt - Season 2 Review

Like the old Bonnie Tyler song, Ursula Chikane is holding out for a hero. Yes, he’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast, but preferably he must also have visible abs.

The Bar One Manhunt is back! And no, it is not some ridiculous adventure dating show, it’s Bar One’s lame attempt at finding a rugged hero that supposedly embodies the 25 hour day that their brand is famous for.  Ironically of course, the very last thing any of their lean contestants would be wasting calories on at the end of a hard day is a Bar One, but clearly an adventure show featuring the kind of people who actually eat their products would be a lot less appealing, and for the contestants and camera men, probably life threatening as well.

Boasting the “strongest, fittest and smartest men in South Africa”, the whole show is premised on the concept that if you put fit and attractive men on screen and find any conceivable excuse for them to wear as little as possible you don’t need the smallest semblance of productions values to guarantee success.

But the knuckle dragging amateur beefcake dying to be discovered is the least of our worries.  Staring at this dreary mess in amazement, we have to wonder, when exactly did presenter Ursula Chikane become such a revulsion?  Yes, she has always been annoying, but back in the day when she was ambushing unsuspecting children at the beach with a big Junior Sport microphone, she still had a certain charm.  Sadly that is no more.  Drowned, it seems, in fake pretension, excessive ego or bitter arrogance, what was once relevant and trendy now has the appeal of a fetid corpse, bloated with foulness.

And when the Bar One cameras roll, Chikane doesn’t hold back on that foulness either.  Sporting a severe bleached hairdo, she takes charge, reciting instructions in a bored monotone and so slowly, that one has to wonder just how smart the “smartest men in South Africa” really are.  And like a bitter man hating drill sergeant she doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to snap condescending comments either.  As thoroughly unpleasant as the rest of this production, we can’t imagine that anyone could enjoy this nonsense with the sound on.

Bar One Manhunt is back on SABC3 on Thursdays at 20h00

Bar One’s marketing of this contrived sugar rush is reminiscent of a little child claiming to have dropped a chocolate bar in the bath.  They can swear high and low that its really a Bar One, but one look is enough to know that they are actually shameless passing off a sodden floating poo.

Whatever you do, don’t be tricked into taking a bite.

1000 Ways To Die

Not all cocaine fuelled drownings are an immediate ticket to sainthood.  

1000 Ways To Die shows very little respect for the dearly departed as they count their way through a collection of the dumbest deaths since the Darwin Awards.  From a cocaine snorting warlord that gets his insides shredded by cutting lines on a table with diamond dust, to a couple that join the mile high club before getting their necks snapped by turbulence, each sad little tale gets a delightfully corny re-enactment whilst the narrator goes to great lengths to extract humour from their untimely demise. And for the technical minded, they even consult medical and other subject experts to explain exactly what snapped, where and why. 

Extremely tasteless and totally addictive, 1000 Ways To Die is fast paced, fun, and yes, even informative. 

1000 Ways To Die entertains on week nights on Sony MAX at 17h15

Winners & Losers - Episode 22 (Season Finale)

What is it with season finales and weddings?  Quirky Australian comedy drama Winners & Losers comes to an end tonight when Bec and Matt finally get their dream wedding. But the happiness is short lived when Bec gets a nasty surprise.

Winners and Losers Season 1 concludes on M-Net Series tonight at 20h30

Starship Troopers

In the future, a fascist military state wages a war over resources with a foreign race they consider to be ugly and barely sentient. Naive young men and women are bombarded with propaganda and recruited to "save their world", but discover that sacrificing life and limb is a lot more painful than any of the promotional videos ever promised.

Brilliant war satire and comedy dressed up as over the top coming of age B grade sci-fi, Starship Troopers goose steps across our screens again tonight on M-Net Action.  Watch the impossibly square-jawed grunt Johnny Rico (Casper Von Dien) strap on his futuristic neo nazi armour and take on swarms of vicious Arachnids.  Whilst heads and limbs are sent flying in the gruesome encounters on the planet's surface, overhead perky young starship pilot Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards) dodges unique anti-aircraft fire: searing fireballs squeezed out of the anuses of giant lumbering bugs. 

Hilariously over the top, Starship Troopers pokes fun at every aspect of war and the blatant propaganda that  permeates it.  Mostly misunderstood during its release in 1997, this is one of those rare movies that gets better with age, taking on new relevance in light of the world events post 9/11.


Starship Troopers explodes in gory delight tonight on M-Net Action at 22h10

Alphas - Episode 9

Did Brent Spiner have another over the top melt down at a Star Trek convention?

In a parody of his real life persona, Brent Spiner makes a chilling guest appearance tonight as the supposedly tame Doctor Kern.  But when he is held against his will by the Alphas for questioning, things suddenly start going very wrong and is not long very long before everything explodes out of control.

Don't miss this thrilling episode of Alphas on Universal Channel tonight at 20h00

American Idol Season 11 - Top 3 Results

Did anybody else get a fright when previous runner up Adam Lambert started eyeing the guitar player?  Geez, haven't there been enough cringeworthy moments from this camp disaster? Please, no more!

American Idol know-it-alls are predicting that the demise of Joshua Ledet will boost the Jessica Sanchez vote as his fan base is more likely to latch onto her.  We say, forgot about logic.  Phillip Phillips will be tops simply because the hormonal teenage girl's capacity to vote is infinite.

The American Idol finale and results will be broadcast by M-Net on Thursday morning in the wee hours, starting at 03h00

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid

E.tv continues to set trends for Sunday night movies tonight by bringing us the sequel to last week's poorly received repeat of Anaconda.  This Sunday we venture further into the belly of the beast with the imaginatively named Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid.  And in true sequel style, everything is bigger and better. Except the budget.

Whilst the first movie was premised on J-Lo arching her back and pushing her buttocks out of the water like the Loch Ness monster's hump, the sequel instead tries to entertain with an overly serious bulging tattooed hero teasing to rip his shirt off at any second.  Gone also is the enjoyable cheesy B-grade dramatics of Jon Voight as the villain.  The snake buffet this time around is a forgettable collection of vaguely familiar nobodies, that wade through and eventually get swallowed by the meaningless dialogue, before becoming a low fat snack for hungry CGI snakes.

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid lurks on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Why Phillip Phillips will win American Idol

Jessica Sanchez's daddy might be a marine, but Phillip Phillips Sr provides his own reason why the American public should be voting for his son.


American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

The Omid Djalili Show - Episode 1

Can you spot the difference? Both are short, fat and hairy.  But one is a razor sharp South African comedian and the other one is not.  Can you tell which is which?

Double episodes of The Omid Djalili Show airs on BBC Entertainment on Tuesdays at 22h00 and 22h30

Osama Bin Laden jokes might have been funny five years ago when this snorefest was conceived, but they certainly aren't anymore.

Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains Episode 2

There's a bit more trouble than usual in paradise tonight when the backbone of the Villains team, "Boston" Rob, goes down for the count whilst walking on his own.  Only four days in, some of the Survivors already have some serious injuries, but it seems it's the lazy Villains tribe that is taking its toll on Rob instead.

Fear not, Rob is not alone for long, as a little pygmy with a Survivor cap leaps from behind the nearest tree.  Yes, it's diminutive host, Jeff Probst, to the rescue! But does Rob just need a pep talk or actual medical attention?

Watch Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains tonight on SABC3 at 20h00 to find out

You have to love the single minded dedication displayed by the cameramen on this show.  Even when a contestant is on their own and clearly in trouble, they seem more intent on getting the perfect dramatic shot of the unconscious body than actually helping. We wonder, are they all like this or did they just select the villain cameramen to go with the Villains tribe?

Alphas - Episode 8

Tonight the Angel of Death comes to Alphas!  Proving that brilliant television can be produced on a shoe string budget, Alphas might be low on the special effects, but it delivers knock out writing and acting, particularly from David Strathairn as the conflicted Dr Rosen and Ryan Cartwright as the loveable awesome-and-I-know-it autistic Gary.

Week after week Alphas has gained momentum, slowly becoming less and less wholesome and more and more thought provoking.  Now, with only four episodes left until the shocking season finale, Alphas picks up the pace even more, when Dr Rosen is faced with a serious moral dilemma.

The guest star this week is Garret Dillahunt as the fatally charismatic Jonas. South African viewers will probably know Dillahunt as the goofy dad on Raising Hope, whilst hardcore sci-fi fans will remember his gruesome turn on Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles.

Alphas spreads its wings tonight on Universal Channel at 20h00

SKANK ALERT: J-Lo overload Sunday

As if it is not enough that Jennifer Lopez sits on the American Idol judges panel spewing meaningless drivel and laughing like a drain at the end of each inane comment, tonight she gets onto the stage in a skimpy outfit and gets pawed by her hunky boy toy and dancer, Casper Smart.  

Obviously now deeming the ratings for Idol sufficient for her to grace the stage, J-Lo dons a sparkly leotard and accompanied by half a dozen half naked male dancers, writhes and rubs her way through her new hit "Dance Again". The vocals are blatantly pre-recorded, but with all the stomping and wriggling, no one will probably notice.  Towards the end, she ditches the microphone and dances a breathlessly risque duet with a bulging Smart, before launching back into the finale of how she "loves to make love to you, baby".  Delightfully inappropriate, J-Lo seems intent on proving that she is not just an annoying prattling fool, but an ageing sexed-up show off as well.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

Later tonight J-Lo slithers back onto our screens in the outrageously corny blast from the past horror movie Anaconda - where another bulging reptile wants to rap itself around her and eat her whole. This time the offender is a considerably more charming gargantuan CGI anaconda. Of course she coyly screams and runs - much like an infatuated 11 year old school girl running from her crush - before she eventually, in true J-Lo style, turns on the poor creature and blows it to pieces.

A camp throbbing mess, watch out for the delightfully prophetic moment where J-Lo's character - a first time movie director - bemoans her fate and proclaims that "I thought this movie would be my first big break. Instead, it's turned into a disaster." 

Anaconda airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Revealed! Dineo Ranaka's three step plan to becoming a mogul!

Don't miss Dineo's Diary: A Mogul in the Making coming soon to Vuzu.

Oh, it's going to be glorious!

Why American Idol is desperate for Phillip Phillips to be eliminated

Could it be more obvious that the judges and producers are itching for Phillip Phillips to go?  Week after week they fawn over Joshua Ledet and Jessica Sanchez and heap them with praise. Phillip, on the other hand gets a lukewarm applause and neutral comments.  Very carefully, they also avoid criticising him outright, almost as if they are afraid to stir up any sympathy votes, hoping instead that the voters will succumb to their phony apathy. 

In a more desperate move, host Ryan Seacrest has recently even gone as far as to try to torpedo Phillip's voting base by parading his girlfriend.  Where's Jessica's stage mother? She has after all been grooming little Jessica for this since the age of five. Does she not also deserve some recognition? And where's Joshua's boyfriend? Or would the producers rather prefer to keep the vote limiting revelations confined to Phillip? 

But why would they want to be so mean, you ask? 

Part of the answer lies in the past.  For the past four seasons there has been a long line of questionable winners that have had more than a few things in common.  Firstly, none of them have gone on to any noticeable success, as opposed to previous winners like Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia Barrino and Carrie Underwood, who all have a Grammy or two under the belt.  Whilst there has been no shortage of talent on the show in recent years, the truly talented ones, now, as a rule, no longer win. Voting instead seems to be motivated by other criteria, which brings us to the second point: the past four winners were all young men, reasonably attractive and white.   

So what does this mean for American Idol? And what will happen if Phillip becomes the next young white male to win? *Gasp* Imagine all the juicy conclusions one can come to then. No doubt people will even start speculating whether this could be the symptom of a disease that afflicts the American society as a whole. Oh, how they must curse those young love struck teenage girls for not being more politically correct when voting!

To make matters worse, Phillip of course has very little interest in the trappings of fame that the show immerses itself in.  He openly mocks fellow contestants who pander to the screaming fans reaching over the edge of the stage; he refuses to participate in the laughable Ford ads; he violates the ten fashion commandments of fashion deity and in house adviser, Tommy Hilfiger, deliberately wearing frumpy grey and brown outfits each week; he disregards the incoherent ramblings of the flavour of the week music mentor as well; and he trolls fellow contestants or poor Ryan whenever he can. All in all he just doesn't take the show seriously. He acts like American Idol is just a game. Like the contestants are just being exploited to make money. And to sell Fords.  

For all his quirky talent and charm, Phillip Phillips ultimately reveals just a little too much of the truth about who watches American Idol, who bothers to vote and what this show is really about.  And as we all know, in the entertainment industry the truth is a bad thing.  Which is why American Idol is desperate for Phillip Phillips to be eliminated.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00


See also Why Phillip Phillips will win American Idol

               SKANK ALERT: J-Lo Overload Sunday

               The Truth about Reality Television

Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola - Season 4 Review

Meaningless politically correct tripe making you sick to your stomach? Spin doctored tales leaving you lightheaded? One dose of Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola once a week might be the cure.  

Comedian Loyiso Gola returns with the fourth season of his hit satire newscast, and, like before, rounds up the holy cows of politics and cuts himself a steak. In a slightly clumsy off the cuff style, Gola and his fellow comedians simulate a live newscast and ask the hard questions. Like why the government wants to charge us a fortune for driving on a road, but is willing to cut off the end of a man's penis for free.  Or why the foreign media makes South Africa look like Botswana.     

Varying the pace, inserts comprise commentary from the fire spitting puppet and political pundit, Chester Missing (the alter ego of Conrad Koch) and South Africa's own idiot abroad, reluctant foreign correspondent, David Kibuuka, reporting on the French elections live from Bloemfontein.  Surprise guests include a beret wearing "Anonymous", a recently suspended individual.

Probing the single ply borderline fiction edu-tainment News dispensed daily by rival broadcasters, Gola and company push the envelope, poking fun at what everyone is thinking, but what no career orientated journalist would dare to say.

Late Nite News cuts to the funny bone on e.tv in the new Tuesday night time slot at 21h00

One Tree Hill - Season 8 Episode 22 (Season Finale)

One Tree Hill fans will be shedding a few tears tonight when season 8 comes to a conclusion.  The episode, which was initially intended to be the series finale, spans a period of almost a year and attempts to resolve all the dramas.  Expect lots of meaningful stares and a killer sound track.

One Tree Hill concludes on Vuzu tonight at 20h30 and will hopefully return soon for the final season of 13 episodes.

Alphas - Episode 7

A special treat for sci-fi fans, Summer Glau makes a guest appearance on Alphas tonight.

Otherworldly Glau's most memorable roles included the unstoppable River Tam in Firefly and the follow up movie, Serenity, as well as the equally unstoppable female terminator, Cameron, in Terminator: The Sarah Conner Cronicles.  Sadly all of these shows were cancelled after only one or two seasons, so let's hope she doesn't become too regular a feature on our new favourite show!

Alphas continue to amaze tonight on Universal Channel at 20h00

American Idol - Top 5 Results

Is Joshua Ledet the best singer in 50 years?  Is Jessica Sanchez the second coming? These poor judges can blow as much smoke as they want, their ravings are as pointless as Coldplay bemoaning para-para-paradise. There will only be one winner: Phillip Phillips.

 American Idol is wrapping up on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains Episode 1

Survivor Season 20 Heroes vs Villains promises to be the biggest Survivor to hit our screens yet when the tastiest and most tasteless contestants ever come face to face in the South Pacific. And from the very first challenge it is clear that the mean have gotten meaner and the tough would need to be tougher, when bones break and shoulders dislocate.

For those Survivor fans that have gotten a bit sketchy about who's from which season and what they got up to there, here's our quick spoiler free guide.

First up, the Heroes (from top left):

Rupert Boneham (Survivor 7 Pearl Islands and Survivor 8 All Stars) was never a serious contender, but always got quite far by being the provider and the grumpy teddy bear of the team.

James “J.T.” Thomas (Survivor 18 Tocantins) proved that he's not just all charm and good looks when he pulled a trick or two to win his season.

Firefighter Tom Westman (Survivor 10 Palau) dominated in his group despite his age, never getting a single vote against him.

Original Survivor hottie Colby Donaldson (Survivor 2 Australia and Survivor 8 All Stars) dominated in season 2, but fared poorly during his All Stars return. 

Our favourite grave digger, James Clement (Survivor 15 China and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) has the dubious honour of being the only contestant voted off whilst he had two immunity idols.  Will he redeem himself this time?

Stephenie LaGrossa (Survivor 10 Palau and Survivor 11 Guatemala) proved herself a strong physical contender in previous seasons, even wrestling down strong male contestants.

Amanda Kimmel (Survivor 15 China and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) was a strong social and physical player and loyal to her alliances.

Did overly emotional Jessica “Sugar” Kiper (Survivor 17 Gabon) just get lucky last time, or was she smarter than she let on?

Weak in the physical challenges, lovable Cirie Fields (Survivor 12 Panama and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) played a social game like few others.

Watching Candice Woodcock (Survivor 13 Cook Islands) turn on her team was one of the biggest twists of season 13.  Not sure how that got her in the Heroes team!

Sure to cause plenty of drama, the Villains (from top left):

The crude and arrogant “Boston" Rob Mariano (Survivor 4 Marquesas and Survivor 8 All Stars) needs no introduction after falling in love on season 8 and eventually marrying the winner!

Grumpy misery Randy Bailey (Survivor 17 Gabon) is back to spread more joy.

Nasty bully Tyson Apostol (Survivor 18 Tocantins) is reunited with Coach.

And Ben “Coach” Wade (Survivor 18 Tocantins) will no doubt be as crazy and power hungry as always.

Ruthless and brash Russel Hantz (Survivor 19 Samoa) is back for a second chance at the title.

One of the most hated female contestants of all time, catty Jerri Manthey (Survivor 2 Australia and Survivor 8 All Stars) will no doubt have her claws out for her arch nemesis, Colby.

Parvati Shallow (Survivor 13 Cook Islands and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) is notorious for flirting and scheming her way to the top.

Will the queen of not being seen, quirky Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor 7 Pearl Islands) manage to stay under the radar till the very end again?

Two faced Courtney Yates (Survivor 15 China) is best known for her hilariously nasty one-on-one's with the camera.

  

Danielle DiLorenzo (Survivor 12 Panama) is probably the most decent of the bunch, her only claim to villainy being one broken promise.

Return. Revenge. Redemption.   Don't miss Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains on SABC3 on Mondays at 20h00

WEIRD MOMENT ALERT: American Idol Top 5

Is it boyish exuberance that prompted Phillip Phillips to move in for the hug or is he trolling again? And has Joshua Ledet lost the loving feeling or does he have ISSUES?

ARE YOU WATCHING: Top Chef All Stars (Season 8 Episode 2)

Hootie-Hoo! Our favourite cheftestants are back for Top Chef All Stars! Which means we don't have to spend the first five weeks of the new season trying to figure out who's who and we can just dip straight into the culinary action.

In an action packed episode 600 hundred children get fed copious amounts of sugar at the American Museum of Natural History under the supervision of guest judge Joe Jonas. Seriously? There's blood and ambulances when a contestant nearly takes off a finger. And then gets two stitches. Yes, two. Marcel becomes paranoid and Jen explodes in a not so funny parody of Gordon Ramsay.  We also see the return of the stiff snoozefest that is Katie Lee.  Remember her? She was the horrible robot butler host in season 1. My, how far this show has come...

Top Chef brings on the heat on M-Net Series on Saturdays at 19h30

Game of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 5

"There are times that I look at you and I still can't believe that you are real..."

Who makes an unexpected declaration of love tonight?


 Game of Thrones continues on M-Net on Fridays at 21h30

America's Next Top Model - Season 13 Episode 1

Tyra Bank's seemingly endless exploitation of naive young girls continues tonight with season 13 of America's Next Top Model.

Despite not having delivered a single actual top model in all the previous seasons, this time Tyra doesn't just parade fat girls and transsexuals, but aims to change the standards of the modelling industry as a whole instead by only allowing contestants under the normal minimum height of five foot seven on her shortlist.

The petite model concept might be new, but nothing else is.  As usual, everything from Tyra's hair to her personality and her ridiculous French accent is as fake as can be, whilst the new collection of shorter victims are swept up to shriek excitedly at the prospect of the torture and humiliation to come.  The awful Jays are back too: J Alexander rips out a weave within the first few minutes whilst Jay Manuel flaps on about commitment and drive and through all the make up and contrivance still manages to criticise contestants about not being themselves.

Like all the other seasons before it, this time around being young, photogenic and naive is also not enough to qualify for the honour of being an ANTM finalist. Instead, Tyra manages to throw together another of the creepiest collections of self obsessed and just plain weird girls, no doubt with the hope that the smallest bit of pressure will result in the mismatched group igniting into teary and bitchy splendour.

America's Next Top Model strikes a pose on Vuzu on Thursdays at 20h30

See also our America's Next Top Model Take Down