Anaconda 3: Offspring

Tonight e.tv hits rock bottom and starts digging, when, for the third week in a row, they dredge up yet another Anaconda horror flick for the Sunday night movie slot.  

And Anaconda 3: Offspring is hands downs the runt of the litter, which, given the dubious quality of the first two instalments, is pretty much an accomplishment.  A sequel to the storyline of Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Offspring revolves around two large, angry and very hungry Blood Orchid enhanced snakes that escape from a secret laboratory and start chewing up the citizenry. Expect more nobodies to be devoured, but this time the acting, plot and even the CGI snakes themselves is even more transparent than before. The cherry on the cake? The hero is portrayed by the Hoff. 

Cheap and nasty and not even in a remotely funny way, Anaconda 3 is quite possibly the worst movie to feature in this time slot in a long time. We say, if you don't have any options other than to watch this junk, rather read a book.

Anaconda 3: Offspring airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid

E.tv continues to set trends for Sunday night movies tonight by bringing us the sequel to last week's poorly received repeat of Anaconda.  This Sunday we venture further into the belly of the beast with the imaginatively named Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid.  And in true sequel style, everything is bigger and better. Except the budget.

Whilst the first movie was premised on J-Lo arching her back and pushing her buttocks out of the water like the Loch Ness monster's hump, the sequel instead tries to entertain with an overly serious bulging tattooed hero teasing to rip his shirt off at any second.  Gone also is the enjoyable cheesy B-grade dramatics of Jon Voight as the villain.  The snake buffet this time around is a forgettable collection of vaguely familiar nobodies, that wade through and eventually get swallowed by the meaningless dialogue, before becoming a low fat snack for hungry CGI snakes.

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid lurks on e.tv tonight at 20h00

SKANK ALERT: J-Lo overload Sunday

As if it is not enough that Jennifer Lopez sits on the American Idol judges panel spewing meaningless drivel and laughing like a drain at the end of each inane comment, tonight she gets onto the stage in a skimpy outfit and gets pawed by her hunky boy toy and dancer, Casper Smart.  

Obviously now deeming the ratings for Idol sufficient for her to grace the stage, J-Lo dons a sparkly leotard and accompanied by half a dozen half naked male dancers, writhes and rubs her way through her new hit "Dance Again". The vocals are blatantly pre-recorded, but with all the stomping and wriggling, no one will probably notice.  Towards the end, she ditches the microphone and dances a breathlessly risque duet with a bulging Smart, before launching back into the finale of how she "loves to make love to you, baby".  Delightfully inappropriate, J-Lo seems intent on proving that she is not just an annoying prattling fool, but an ageing sexed-up show off as well.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

Later tonight J-Lo slithers back onto our screens in the outrageously corny blast from the past horror movie Anaconda - where another bulging reptile wants to rap itself around her and eat her whole. This time the offender is a considerably more charming gargantuan CGI anaconda. Of course she coyly screams and runs - much like an infatuated 11 year old school girl running from her crush - before she eventually, in true J-Lo style, turns on the poor creature and blows it to pieces.

A camp throbbing mess, watch out for the delightfully prophetic moment where J-Lo's character - a first time movie director - bemoans her fate and proclaims that "I thought this movie would be my first big break. Instead, it's turned into a disaster." 

Anaconda airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00