X Factor USA - Season 2: Top 16

Okay. So we've seen Adam Sandler play his own sister in a movie. But how on earth does Mario Lopez manage the same feat in a live show?

 

X Factor USA is back for another season on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays just before prime time.

Homeland - Season 1 Episode 8

Is he or isn't he?  For weeks we have been wondering where Brodie's loyalties lie and now finally we get a definitive answer.  Who is the mysterious man in the chair?  And will he finally tell us the truth?

Questions get answered tonight on Homeland on M-Net at 20h30

Games of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 9

"Those are brave men at our gates.  Let's go kill them."

This is it. The climax of season 2. The epic face off between the Lannisters in King's Landing and Stannis Baratheon's overwhelming forces, the Battle of Blackwater is the most awe inspiring full out brawl ever shown on a made for television drama.  If you missed it on Friday, make sure to tune in again tonight on M-Net at 21h55.  

SA Idols Season 8: Something wicked this way comes

Board up your windows and lock your doors.  The horror that is South African reality television intensifies this weekend when the foulest franchise to plague our nation is resurrected to walk the earth for yet another season.

Unleashing a scourge upon the land, the siren call of fame brings to life thousands of mindless hungry ghouls, desperately clawing their way out of graves of obscurity for a moment in the light.  In their thousands they follow the scent of decay and descend upon stadiums and community centres, wandering aimlessly in queues.

After a long day of pushing and snapping, the moment arrives when individual contestants are herded into a well lit dungeon, lined with cameras.  There they proceed to tear the heads off their favourite songs and suck the life from horrified viewers. A gruesome display, their feverish and off key lamentations make it clear that the only pitch these contestants have ever heard of was a type of fork the villagers back home chased them with.

A creatively starved production that has long ago been killed off by scandal, the grating display is perpetuated and manipulated by a trio of judges and sustained only by the power of their egos and the life force that they draw from a terrified camera man aiming the lens in their general direction.  Limitless in their capacity to bore and annoy, and seemingly unstoppable, they return year after year, and when one self destructs in a vodka fuelled explosion of boney shrapnel, another hungry emissary of undeath immediately  rises to take its place.

Who will receive a golden stamp of approval from the undead trio and what foul creatures will they unleash on us this year?

South African Idols Season 8 starts on M-Net on Sunday, 3 June 2012, at 17h30

Alcatraz - Pilot Review

"On March 21st 1963, Alcatraz officially closed," the grisly narrator tells us in the opening moments, "due to rising costs and decrepit facilities.  All the prisoners were transferred off the island. Only that's not what happened. Not all."

Alcatraz is about the mysterious disappearance of 300 odd prisoners and guards off Alcatraz and how they have suddenly come back without having aged a day.  Remember when the whole world blacked out and saw a flash of the future in Flash Forward?  Remember how little you cared about the premise of that lifeless show?  Prepare yourself to care even less. 

Alcatraz takes a potentially intriguing premise and forces it into a flat and formulaic mold.  From the laughable tough and clever police officer and heroine Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) to the quirky Alcatraz expert and comic book writer Dr Diego Soto (Jorge Garcia, better known for playing Hurley in Lost) and the sinister government agent Emmerson Hauser (Sam Neill), Alcatraz almost immediately falls into a pattern where Madsen investigates, Soto connects the dots and Hauser looks sinister.  Jokingly referred to by TV critics as Lost in reverse, this time around people are walking around in a city, having flashbacks about being on an island.

Whilst our heroes don't seem to be much fazed by the supposedly strange goings on, female viewers should be quite pleased when early on in the pilot one of Alcatraz's biggest secrets is revealed:  the Rock was apparently a prison for washed up male models. Inmates with perfect teeth, square jaws and designer stubble abounded.  And now, they have mysteriously been sent forward in time to wreak havoc on modern society.  It's all terribly mysterious and oh so very boring.

Amazingly, JJ Abrams, the producer of such marvels as Alias and Lost, is also responsible for this heavy humourless flop.  Perhaps too preoccupied with all his current motion picture successes, we are sure that even Mr Abrams himself was not too surprised when this lame duck was cancelled after one season.

Get retro fashion tips from the time lost Alcatraz inmates on M-Net on Tuesdays at 20h30

American Idol Season 11 - And the winner is...

A belated congratulations to a Phillip Phillips for taking the crown in Season 11!  All things considered, he is probably the most talented contestant to win in the past 5 years. And he can sing too.

American Idol Season 11 - Top 3 Results

Did anybody else get a fright when previous runner up Adam Lambert started eyeing the guitar player?  Geez, haven't there been enough cringeworthy moments from this camp disaster? Please, no more!

American Idol know-it-alls are predicting that the demise of Joshua Ledet will boost the Jessica Sanchez vote as his fan base is more likely to latch onto her.  We say, forgot about logic.  Phillip Phillips will be tops simply because the hormonal teenage girl's capacity to vote is infinite.

The American Idol finale and results will be broadcast by M-Net on Thursday morning in the wee hours, starting at 03h00

Why Phillip Phillips will win American Idol

Jessica Sanchez's daddy might be a marine, but Phillip Phillips Sr provides his own reason why the American public should be voting for his son.


American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

SKANK ALERT: J-Lo overload Sunday

As if it is not enough that Jennifer Lopez sits on the American Idol judges panel spewing meaningless drivel and laughing like a drain at the end of each inane comment, tonight she gets onto the stage in a skimpy outfit and gets pawed by her hunky boy toy and dancer, Casper Smart.  

Obviously now deeming the ratings for Idol sufficient for her to grace the stage, J-Lo dons a sparkly leotard and accompanied by half a dozen half naked male dancers, writhes and rubs her way through her new hit "Dance Again". The vocals are blatantly pre-recorded, but with all the stomping and wriggling, no one will probably notice.  Towards the end, she ditches the microphone and dances a breathlessly risque duet with a bulging Smart, before launching back into the finale of how she "loves to make love to you, baby".  Delightfully inappropriate, J-Lo seems intent on proving that she is not just an annoying prattling fool, but an ageing sexed-up show off as well.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

Later tonight J-Lo slithers back onto our screens in the outrageously corny blast from the past horror movie Anaconda - where another bulging reptile wants to rap itself around her and eat her whole. This time the offender is a considerably more charming gargantuan CGI anaconda. Of course she coyly screams and runs - much like an infatuated 11 year old school girl running from her crush - before she eventually, in true J-Lo style, turns on the poor creature and blows it to pieces.

A camp throbbing mess, watch out for the delightfully prophetic moment where J-Lo's character - a first time movie director - bemoans her fate and proclaims that "I thought this movie would be my first big break. Instead, it's turned into a disaster." 

Anaconda airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Why American Idol is desperate for Phillip Phillips to be eliminated

Could it be more obvious that the judges and producers are itching for Phillip Phillips to go?  Week after week they fawn over Joshua Ledet and Jessica Sanchez and heap them with praise. Phillip, on the other hand gets a lukewarm applause and neutral comments.  Very carefully, they also avoid criticising him outright, almost as if they are afraid to stir up any sympathy votes, hoping instead that the voters will succumb to their phony apathy. 

In a more desperate move, host Ryan Seacrest has recently even gone as far as to try to torpedo Phillip's voting base by parading his girlfriend.  Where's Jessica's stage mother? She has after all been grooming little Jessica for this since the age of five. Does she not also deserve some recognition? And where's Joshua's boyfriend? Or would the producers rather prefer to keep the vote limiting revelations confined to Phillip? 

But why would they want to be so mean, you ask? 

Part of the answer lies in the past.  For the past four seasons there has been a long line of questionable winners that have had more than a few things in common.  Firstly, none of them have gone on to any noticeable success, as opposed to previous winners like Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia Barrino and Carrie Underwood, who all have a Grammy or two under the belt.  Whilst there has been no shortage of talent on the show in recent years, the truly talented ones, now, as a rule, no longer win. Voting instead seems to be motivated by other criteria, which brings us to the second point: the past four winners were all young men, reasonably attractive and white.   

So what does this mean for American Idol? And what will happen if Phillip becomes the next young white male to win? *Gasp* Imagine all the juicy conclusions one can come to then. No doubt people will even start speculating whether this could be the symptom of a disease that afflicts the American society as a whole. Oh, how they must curse those young love struck teenage girls for not being more politically correct when voting!

To make matters worse, Phillip of course has very little interest in the trappings of fame that the show immerses itself in.  He openly mocks fellow contestants who pander to the screaming fans reaching over the edge of the stage; he refuses to participate in the laughable Ford ads; he violates the ten fashion commandments of fashion deity and in house adviser, Tommy Hilfiger, deliberately wearing frumpy grey and brown outfits each week; he disregards the incoherent ramblings of the flavour of the week music mentor as well; and he trolls fellow contestants or poor Ryan whenever he can. All in all he just doesn't take the show seriously. He acts like American Idol is just a game. Like the contestants are just being exploited to make money. And to sell Fords.  

For all his quirky talent and charm, Phillip Phillips ultimately reveals just a little too much of the truth about who watches American Idol, who bothers to vote and what this show is really about.  And as we all know, in the entertainment industry the truth is a bad thing.  Which is why American Idol is desperate for Phillip Phillips to be eliminated.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00


See also Why Phillip Phillips will win American Idol

               SKANK ALERT: J-Lo Overload Sunday

               The Truth about Reality Television

American Idol - Top 5 Results

Is Joshua Ledet the best singer in 50 years?  Is Jessica Sanchez the second coming? These poor judges can blow as much smoke as they want, their ravings are as pointless as Coldplay bemoaning para-para-paradise. There will only be one winner: Phillip Phillips.

 American Idol is wrapping up on M-Net on Saturdays and Sundays at 18h00

WEIRD MOMENT ALERT: American Idol Top 5

Is it boyish exuberance that prompted Phillip Phillips to move in for the hug or is he trolling again? And has Joshua Ledet lost the loving feeling or does he have ISSUES?

Game of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 5

"There are times that I look at you and I still can't believe that you are real..."

Who makes an unexpected declaration of love tonight?


 Game of Thrones continues on M-Net on Fridays at 21h30

MASTURBATION ALERT: Homeland Episode 3

It's no secret that the 20h30 screening of the hard hitting Homeland has become a ticking timeslot time bomb.  And this Wednesday it may all come to a head when a main character decides to take matters in his own hands - quite literally - and in true Homeland style doesn't hold back either.

Whilst we may already have seen enough graphic sex and nudity to shake a stick at, few things are guaranteed to single handedly leave an audience squirming as much as on screen masturbation, particularly when said masturbation is accompanied by aforsesaid graphic nudity.

Will the on air pulling of the pud push viewers over the edge or will they take it in their stride?  Will M-Net and DSTV face a nasty backlash and have to wipe up a sticky mess? More importantly, will they finally knuckle down and shuffle the Wednesday timeslots?

Homeland still bares all on M-Net on Wednesdays at 20h30.

For the time being.

Missing - Episode 4

Having learnt that her husband's killers may have her son, Becca continues the sightseeing tour of Europe and heads to scenic Dubrovnik, where she attempts to take down a hired killer with a mop.  We also catch up with her son, Michael, and start wondering just how far that apple has fallen from the tree.

 

Missing airs on M-Net on Saturdays at 20h00



Brace yourself for a knockout surprise.  This episode might be a bit heavy on the exposition, but should definitely not be missed!

WEIRD MOMENT ALERT: Game of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 4

 

Sis, no! What on EARTH just crawled out of Melisandre's noo noo?!

And why did it sound like she enjoyed it?

The Lying Game - Episode 20 (Season Finale)

There is drama at a surprise wedding tonight when the first season of The Lying Game finally fizzles out. Will the Mecer family cope with Ted's infidelity and all the lies?  Will Emma and Ethan finally have their happy ever after in the trailer park? Will Derek's murderer be revealed? And who gets a nasty surprise at the wedding? 

Season 1 of The Lying Game concludes tonight on M-Net at 20h30

Wake us when it's over.

Game of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 4 (Preview)

Brace yourself for the most powerful and shocking episode of Game of Thrones since Ned Stark's head came undone. In a very busy hour, the war in Westeros becomes all too real with eviscerations, decapitations and amputations galore, whilst brat king Joffrey sinks to new depths.

A captive of the ghastly Harrenhal, Arya's life hangs in the balance when she comes face to face with a mortal enemy.

The Baratheon brothers head for a face off...
  

...whilst the sultry witch Melisandre heads into the shadows and hatches a truly diabolical plan.  By the time the credits roll, we can guarantee that you will be staring in utter disbelief.

Game of Thrones amazes on M-Net on Fridays at 21h30



Missing this episode is not even an option!

Homeland - Episode 2

The powerful Homeland continues tonight on M-Net at 20h30.  Arguably one of the best new series on television, Homeland delivers hard hitting drama and doesn't pull any punches when it comes to nudity and violence either.

In the blistering second episode we are exposed to Carrie's asset in the field and Brody's mental health comes under the spotlight. Full of brilliant twists and surprises, Homeland has already become the new highlight of our Wednesdays.  Once we've put the kids to bed of course.

Don't miss Homeland on M-Net on Wednesdays at 20h30

Battle of the MasterChefs

Fans of MasterChef who do not have PVR's might find themselves faced with a difficult decision tonight when the timeslots for the two new MasterChef series clash.

MasterChef South Africa continues the melodrama on M-Net at 19h30, whilst the second episode of the new season of the original MasterChef comes to BBC Lifestyle at 20h00.

How do you prefer your MasterChef?  Dished up by the slightly dull vegetable expert, Gregg Wallace or stared and sniffed at by an appallingly over the top Andrew Atkinson drowning in a suit three sizes too large?  And how do you prefer your contestants? Cooking in real restaurants and being exposed to the real pressures of being a chef, or being grilled on a pretty set by the three stooges?

 

Whichever you crave, Tuesdays nights now officially cater for all MasterChef fans.