Bar One Manhunt - Season 2 Review

Like the old Bonnie Tyler song, Ursula Chikane is holding out for a hero. Yes, he’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast, but preferably he must also have visible abs.

The Bar One Manhunt is back! And no, it is not some ridiculous adventure dating show, it’s Bar One’s lame attempt at finding a rugged hero that supposedly embodies the 25 hour day that their brand is famous for.  Ironically of course, the very last thing any of their lean contestants would be wasting calories on at the end of a hard day is a Bar One, but clearly an adventure show featuring the kind of people who actually eat their products would be a lot less appealing, and for the contestants and camera men, probably life threatening as well.

Boasting the “strongest, fittest and smartest men in South Africa”, the whole show is premised on the concept that if you put fit and attractive men on screen and find any conceivable excuse for them to wear as little as possible you don’t need the smallest semblance of productions values to guarantee success.

But the knuckle dragging amateur beefcake dying to be discovered is the least of our worries.  Staring at this dreary mess in amazement, we have to wonder, when exactly did presenter Ursula Chikane become such a revulsion?  Yes, she has always been annoying, but back in the day when she was ambushing unsuspecting children at the beach with a big Junior Sport microphone, she still had a certain charm.  Sadly that is no more.  Drowned, it seems, in fake pretension, excessive ego or bitter arrogance, what was once relevant and trendy now has the appeal of a fetid corpse, bloated with foulness.

And when the Bar One cameras roll, Chikane doesn’t hold back on that foulness either.  Sporting a severe bleached hairdo, she takes charge, reciting instructions in a bored monotone and so slowly, that one has to wonder just how smart the “smartest men in South Africa” really are.  And like a bitter man hating drill sergeant she doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to snap condescending comments either.  As thoroughly unpleasant as the rest of this production, we can’t imagine that anyone could enjoy this nonsense with the sound on.

Bar One Manhunt is back on SABC3 on Thursdays at 20h00

Bar One’s marketing of this contrived sugar rush is reminiscent of a little child claiming to have dropped a chocolate bar in the bath.  They can swear high and low that its really a Bar One, but one look is enough to know that they are actually shameless passing off a sodden floating poo.

Whatever you do, don’t be tricked into taking a bite.

Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains Episode 2

There's a bit more trouble than usual in paradise tonight when the backbone of the Villains team, "Boston" Rob, goes down for the count whilst walking on his own.  Only four days in, some of the Survivors already have some serious injuries, but it seems it's the lazy Villains tribe that is taking its toll on Rob instead.

Fear not, Rob is not alone for long, as a little pygmy with a Survivor cap leaps from behind the nearest tree.  Yes, it's diminutive host, Jeff Probst, to the rescue! But does Rob just need a pep talk or actual medical attention?

Watch Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains tonight on SABC3 at 20h00 to find out

You have to love the single minded dedication displayed by the cameramen on this show.  Even when a contestant is on their own and clearly in trouble, they seem more intent on getting the perfect dramatic shot of the unconscious body than actually helping. We wonder, are they all like this or did they just select the villain cameramen to go with the Villains tribe?

Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains Episode 1

Survivor Season 20 Heroes vs Villains promises to be the biggest Survivor to hit our screens yet when the tastiest and most tasteless contestants ever come face to face in the South Pacific. And from the very first challenge it is clear that the mean have gotten meaner and the tough would need to be tougher, when bones break and shoulders dislocate.

For those Survivor fans that have gotten a bit sketchy about who's from which season and what they got up to there, here's our quick spoiler free guide.

First up, the Heroes (from top left):

Rupert Boneham (Survivor 7 Pearl Islands and Survivor 8 All Stars) was never a serious contender, but always got quite far by being the provider and the grumpy teddy bear of the team.

James “J.T.” Thomas (Survivor 18 Tocantins) proved that he's not just all charm and good looks when he pulled a trick or two to win his season.

Firefighter Tom Westman (Survivor 10 Palau) dominated in his group despite his age, never getting a single vote against him.

Original Survivor hottie Colby Donaldson (Survivor 2 Australia and Survivor 8 All Stars) dominated in season 2, but fared poorly during his All Stars return. 

Our favourite grave digger, James Clement (Survivor 15 China and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) has the dubious honour of being the only contestant voted off whilst he had two immunity idols.  Will he redeem himself this time?

Stephenie LaGrossa (Survivor 10 Palau and Survivor 11 Guatemala) proved herself a strong physical contender in previous seasons, even wrestling down strong male contestants.

Amanda Kimmel (Survivor 15 China and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) was a strong social and physical player and loyal to her alliances.

Did overly emotional Jessica “Sugar” Kiper (Survivor 17 Gabon) just get lucky last time, or was she smarter than she let on?

Weak in the physical challenges, lovable Cirie Fields (Survivor 12 Panama and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) played a social game like few others.

Watching Candice Woodcock (Survivor 13 Cook Islands) turn on her team was one of the biggest twists of season 13.  Not sure how that got her in the Heroes team!

Sure to cause plenty of drama, the Villains (from top left):

The crude and arrogant “Boston" Rob Mariano (Survivor 4 Marquesas and Survivor 8 All Stars) needs no introduction after falling in love on season 8 and eventually marrying the winner!

Grumpy misery Randy Bailey (Survivor 17 Gabon) is back to spread more joy.

Nasty bully Tyson Apostol (Survivor 18 Tocantins) is reunited with Coach.

And Ben “Coach” Wade (Survivor 18 Tocantins) will no doubt be as crazy and power hungry as always.

Ruthless and brash Russel Hantz (Survivor 19 Samoa) is back for a second chance at the title.

One of the most hated female contestants of all time, catty Jerri Manthey (Survivor 2 Australia and Survivor 8 All Stars) will no doubt have her claws out for her arch nemesis, Colby.

Parvati Shallow (Survivor 13 Cook Islands and Survivor 16 Fans vs Favorites) is notorious for flirting and scheming her way to the top.

Will the queen of not being seen, quirky Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor 7 Pearl Islands) manage to stay under the radar till the very end again?

Two faced Courtney Yates (Survivor 15 China) is best known for her hilariously nasty one-on-one's with the camera.

  

Danielle DiLorenzo (Survivor 12 Panama) is probably the most decent of the bunch, her only claim to villainy being one broken promise.

Return. Revenge. Redemption.   Don't miss Survivor 20 Heroes vs Villains on SABC3 on Mondays at 20h00

ARE YOU WATCHING: Survivor: Samoa

Is Russell the greatest player of all time? And what's up with Shambo's power mullet?



Don't miss Survivor: Samoa on SABC3 on Mondays at 20h00

What on earth has happened to Top Billing?

From the title sequence where the can-can dancer is lifting her dress to the very first link where the presenter is stalked by a disturbingly camp shirtless creature, you get a nasty feeling that this is no longer the Top Billing you used to love and admire.

Gone are the days of classy and witty presenters.  Their replacements sell a very different lifestyle - whether it's the fake-as-a-Thai-ladyboy Ursula Chikane (nee Stapelfeldt) or the garish Jeannie D, who loving fondles a large telescope whilst giving the camera such a well practiced sultry glance that you have very little trouble imagining how she got the job in the first place.

The reporters sink even lower with their cleavage and attention grabbing posing.  Inserts feature some woman called Lorna throwing herself at half naked men at the Mr South Africa pageant or Janez Vermeiren continuously ripping off his shirt to compare his body with that of an innocent bystander, and so sincerely that you feel you are intruding on a very personal moment.

Even the signature interior decorating showpiece has had a sleazy make-over where Jeannie D takes appreciation to a whole new level.  She traipses around the show house seductively, one moment feeling up the fabrics and faking ecstasy and the next trying to straddle a wooden horse in her hot pants and purring provocatively that she should have brought her bikini instead. At the end of this vulgar spectacle, you could be forgiven for thinking that the owners of the house would probably need to have it fumigated.

About as classy as a high class hooker, and just as tired and desperate, Top Billing has clearly fallen upon hard times.  And who are we to judge? After all, if all else fails, sex still sells.

Top Billing hangs on for dear life on SABC3 on Tuesdays at 20h00

The Voice - Season 2

We are currently spoilt for choice when it comes to reality singing contests.  First American Idol Season 11 on M-Net and now increasingly popular, The Voice on SABC3.  Whilst this is hardly likely to mimic the ratings battle that these two shows are embroiled in in America, it certainly is a coup for SABC3 to air such a successful show so close on the heals of the original broadcast. A coup you'd think they'd be quite proud of and willing to show off.

So imagine our surprise when we noticed that the DSTV program guide describes the show as follows:

"A journey through the greatest vocal talents the world has ever heard.  The series combines classic archive, rare footage, unique performances and exclusive interviews with a legion of legends, from Pavarotti to Bono."

Is someone confusing the dearly departed Pavarotti with Cee Lo Green? Or do they just not know any better? Or care? After all, who watches TV anyway, eh?

The Voice airs on SABC3 on Wednesdays at 20h00.

Adele Live At The Royal Albert Hall

Has 2011 been a very hard year for you?  Are you worried that 2012 might really be the end of the world?  And are you sitting at home on New Year's Eve?

Watch Adele Live At The Royal Albert Hall on SABC3 on Saturday 31 December 2011 at 21h30.  And end it all.

Flash

Need to brush up on your A List celebrities in SA? Then Flash is for you.

In the Christmas edition, it's all about celebrities and their charities. Beauty queens got some stiff competition from sporting hunks in the Eastern Cape based Incredible Race.  And we found out which celebrity went one better than giving socks and gave school shoes instead.  We also got a sneak preview of the glitzy locally produced Clifton Shores, the new reality show set in our favourite celebrity destination, Cape Town.

Flash airs on SABC3 on Fridays at 21h00.

Stay tuned next week for a humourous review of 2011.

Why the Voice on SABC 3 is unwatchable

Why is the Voice on SABC3 unwatchable?

1.  Horrible grainy visuals circa 1985

2.  Apartheid era Censor Board style editing

3.  An incredibly complicated premise

4.  And THIS:

The Voice airs on SABC3 on Wednesdays at 20h00

The Voice - Season 1

2011 saw the launch of two new American singing reality series bidding to overthrow the current ratings juggernaut, American Idol.  Neither have come close to achieving that ambitious goal, but both have had a fair amount of critical acclaim.  The first was The Voice, which concluded in June of this year and the second is the currently running X Factor USA.

Whilst you might already be watching X Factor USA, few people seem to be aware that The Voice is also currently showing on South African television. In fact on the South African television: SABC3.  And yes, if you have seen it, you may be forgiven for thinking the show is five years old, because the disturbingly grainy and visually dated version of the show on view certainly looks that way.

There are four judges, Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera, Cee Lo Green and the alleged country music star Blake Shelton. (Who is Cee Lo Green, you might ask? Those in the know would recognise him as the cat from the duo Gnarles Barkley. Shame on you if like me you actually though he WAS Gnarles Barkley...) Unlike X Factor, the judges are not just mentors, but also voice coaches.  Which is maybe a stretch for the likes of Adam Levine, but hey, he is pretty and charming enough to make for good television. At the very least he could teach his charges how to pretend to be a singer as well.  Which is certainly a talent on its own.

The premise of the show is annoyingly complex.  There are three rounds:  A blind round, where the judges choose their teams based purely on their voices; the battle phase, where the contestants sing duets against each other and beat each other senseless with microphones (slight dramatic licence there); and the final live performances, which is similar to what we see on all reality singing competitions, except that the weighting of the viewers votes has been reduced to only 50%.

Despite all the different rules and complexities, it’s pretty much the same old reality singing competition in a different package. So it is debatable whether two of these shows can really run concurrently on South African television without one suffering. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be giving The Voice a try.  Cee Lo Green’s ridiculous Dalai Lama inspired outfits alone might be worth it.

The Voice airs on SABC3 on Wednesdays at 20h00