Things to ponder this Christmas - no.2

With the New Year around the corner, we have to wonder, why is Comedy Central dishing up shows near prime time slots that are too old and too stale for even the SABC to serve?

Feel 20 years younger with Northern Exposure on Comedy Central on Saturdays at 18h15.

X Factor USA - Top 5

With no dead people to milk for ratings this week, X Factor USA had to create its own little dramas.  Simon declared war on the other judges for the "betrayal" of the previous week, even though pinkie ring Steve still couldn’t manage to get any comment from him over the elimination of Drew, whilst Nicole continued her decent into madness and full blown possession.

With only five contestants left, they got the chance to delight or bore us twice. 

In round one the contestants had to perform a hit dance song. Melanie Amaro started with a power performance of Someone Like You by Adele. The dance version.  With flashing lights and gyrating gimp suits.  Very impressive.

Pimped out Marcus Canty continued to deliver style over substance with Chaka Kahn's  Ain't Nobody. The judges still seemed intent on praising and promoting him even though his thin nasal whine does not translate to the general public.

Mini Beyonce, Rachel Crow, charmed her way through  B.o.B.'s Nothin' On You but her vocals sounded slightly strained.  The best moment came when she effortlessly put LA Reid in his place when he tried to criticise her song choice.  Such a little spitfire: might be more cute factor than X Factor, but she gets the job done.

Showing improvement on last week’s poor performance, the last remaining member of Team Nicole, Josh Krajcik growled out Rihanna’s We Found Love. When Simon and LA Reid still did not like it, Nicole gave into the dark side once again,  pushing the limits of the age restriction on the show.  Could someone please call an exorcist? There is just way too much nasty crammed into that little frame.                         

Very poor vocals from Chris Rene on TI & Rihanna's Live Your Life rounded out the first half.  He was so busy “keeping it real” that he looked part robot man part spastic clown.  The judges still seemed to love him though.

Round two delivered some more manufactured drama.  Due to a glitch with the intended Pepsi challenge, the contestants had to perform their own save me songs instead with only 24 hours notice.

Melanie aimed very high with the Witney/Mariah power duet, When You Believe and delivered the performance of the season so far.  I’m sure X Factor USA will still deliver some more petty dramas and theatrics, but this competition is essentially over. Melanie has won. Even if her sermons and that Caribbean accent are getting a bit much.

Marcus pouted and channelled Marvin Gaye.  Nicole and Paula gushed. LA Reid compared him to Muhammed Ali. Which, come to think of it, is quite accurate. 

The short preparation time hurt Rachel Crow’s performance of MJ’s Music & Me.  Pitchy and whiny, not even her sparkly smile at the end could save this stinker.   Possibly the worst performance of the night.

Josh finally got rid of the skanky dancers (a la Nicole) and returned to his former glory with Something by The Beatles. Special mention to poor Josh.  Having Nicole as a mentor cannot be easy.

Chris Rene finished the show with another of his own creations. It started off well but then went nowhere, like he didn’t have time to complete it. A very amateurish end to the show.

With over the top tension between the judges, tomorrow night's elimination promises to be another howler.

X Factor USA airs on M-Net on Saturdays at 18h00.

The Bachelorette - Season 6 - Episode 12

The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise wants us to believe that if you are drop dead gorgeous, funny, smart and successful, yet sadly single at 30, you are just unlucky.  No, you are probably not self centred, difficult, unable to form strong emotional attachments or in denial about which team you are playing for, just unlucky. Okay?

On the show, sadly still looking bachelors and bachelorettes take turns to find happiness.  They have everything going for them, except a loving partner. And fame, but that is after all what they are here to remedy. When they are not trying to meet lots of hopefuls to fill those gaping holes in their souls that is.

The prospective soul mates are expertly selected based on time honoured criteria. For the men they consider  the depth of their wallets, the squareness of their jaws and the visibility of their abdominal muscles. For the women, well, I think you get the picture... Playing like an old Mills & Boon novel come to life, it actually pokes delicious and very subtle fun at the concept – frequently espoused by the media – that physically attractive people are not just eye candy, but make the best mates.  Aimed mostly at a female audience, it also analyses and replays the smallest bits of action to death in search of greater meaning.

The Bachelorette this time around is Ali Fedotowsky, a reject of the previous season's Bachelor, Jake.  The season finale is usually a dreary tell all and reflection, entitled "After the final rose", which features too many flash backs and too little scandal.  Ali's season finale is no different.

Ali chose hunky Roberto over good old Chris.  It is abundantly clear that she never felt much for Chris and just kept him on for the purposes of the show. The replay of her patronising dump speech actually leaves quite a taste in the mouth. Frank, who dropped out of the final three because of "feelings for an ex-girlfriend", has the good sense to refuse to attend the final exposition.  The happy couple tells us they are now taking it slow.  Yes, they got engaged within weeks of meeting one another but are now taking it slow.  We all know what that means.  [Ali and Roberto broke up on 21 November 2011.]


Will dear old Chris be the next Bachelor? Frankly, he seems too sensible.


The Bachelorette concluded on Vuzu on Friday 9 December 2011 at 20h00

Things to ponder this Christmas - no.1

As the festive season approaches it is time again for us to look back on the year and contemplate our existence, particularly now that 2012 and the apocalypse is upon us.  And in these times where a burning bush is less likely to be a sign of religious significance and more likely an indication of venereal disease, we could do well to heed the scriptures for once.



And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup[cake] in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication.

Revelations 17:4

So, if the end is nigh, could Nigella be the Antichrist?

Why the Voice on SABC 3 is unwatchable

Why is the Voice on SABC3 unwatchable?

1.  Horrible grainy visuals circa 1985

2.  Apartheid era Censor Board style editing

3.  An incredibly complicated premise

4.  And THIS:

The Voice airs on SABC3 on Wednesdays at 20h00

The truth about reality television

Never have people watched so much television, yet have so little good to say about it.  Reality television is frequently viewed as the car wreck of the small screen: it's the awful and shocking tangle of metal and dead bodies our mothers warned us not to look at, but we just had to.

But is reality television really that awful? Like pornography, does it exist purely as a monument to our basest and most primitive needs and desires.  Or is there a very good and healthy reason why it has succeeded with a full scale invasion of main stream television over the past ten years?

First of all, let's not fool ourselves. Reality television is not "real".  It might be cheap to produce, but it is carefully designed, orchestrated and edited to create a specific product. More unscripted drama than pure reality.  But even at its most ridiculous and contrived it features real people, responding with real emotions and giving us a glimpse of their very real lives.  Even if they are complete narcissistic idiots.  Or delusional and more than slightly unbalanced. It's that small glimmer of authenticity, however warped or disturbing, that manages to penetrate the shell of suave disinterest that conventional scripted television has built around us.

When Susan on Desperate Housewives has a breakdown, it's intense drama and usually just a bit too much so we probably turn the sound down.  When a contestant on America's Next Top Model falls to the ground in sobs after Tyra chastises her for pulling another contestant's weave out in the swimming pool, we jump up and cheer, or boo.  Reality television pushes our buttons in a way that normal dramas and sitcoms very seldom do and gets through to us in a way that scripted television with its ridiculous conventions no longer can. In scripted television a blow to the head sends you unconscious. In reality television it just hurts, b#tch.  In scripted television wetness and cold will immediately result in sneezing and the onset of a cold.  In reality television you just put on a dry pair of clothes.  Even though reality television might involve manipulation or deceit, it still remains true to the real world.  The Golden Girls told us that we must be there for each other no matter what. Survivor tells us that if you are playing for high stakes, you should watch your back.  Heroes showed us that your dreams of being special can come true in the most spectacular way.  American Idol warns us that if you sing like a cat falling from a twelve story building, you should rather keep quiet, no matter how good you think you are.

Even if it is occasionally cruel and exploitative, reality television is still the closest and most authentic representation of the human condition - the good and the bad.  And whilst we might feel for the humiliated contestants, we also see how they pull themselves upright, straighten their backs and walk out with pride. If Omarosa can still look the business world in the face and thrive, then maybe my much smaller mistakes can also be overcome. Even if I am not mistaken for being psychotically delusional. And that is a lot more inspirational that any episode of Desperate Housewives.

An Idiot Abroad - Episode 1

Part travel program, part extended practical joke. Remarkably round headed Karl Pilkington is the supposed idiot in question, unwillingly sent abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant (the men behind The Office) and unwittingly subjected to childish and absurd pranks thinly related to the culture of each country he is touring.

The premise of the first season is that insular and grumpy Pilkington must visit the sites of the Seven Modern Wonders of the World and record his inane reactions. On paper it is brilliant.  Quirky balding slack jawed everyman Pilkington as a refreshing and funny antidote to the ultimately futile political correctness of modern society.   In practise it is awful. Sulky Pilkington has very few spontaneous responses, except for when he is tortured or assaulted.  Instead he spouts a monologue that is very clearly scripted by Gervais and company. Mildly funny at best, it ultimately makes you feel like you are the one being held for a fool.

In the first episode he is sent to China, home of the first modern wonder, the Great Wall of China. 

Pilkington comes off as a manic depressive who is bored to tears with the script he has to deliver. He observes a lady "stuffing her face" with dried scorpions and wonders what she would do if she wakes up in the morning and finds a spider in her bath. He compares the Great Wall of China with the M6 and claims that the M6 is more useful because you can drive on it.  He is stunned to find a Chinese toilet that does not have doors or toilet paper and declares that China does not need iPhones, but toilet paper instead.  He is assaulted by Kung Fu masters and force fed boiled toad. 

The only amusing and spontaneous moment comes when Pilkington is literally tortured by a lady administering a traditional fire massage, setting fire to his extremities. More Jackass than Travel Channel, this moment is sadly ruined by Pilkington spouting some rehearsed line about not knowing that you need a fire extinguisher on standby for a massage.

If you are watching this, beware: this is not just about an idiot abroad, it's about the one they are trying to make out of that person staring at your television back home.

An Idiot Abroad airs on Discovery Channel on Tuesdays at 21h20.

The Celebrity Apprentice III - Episode 1

The only thing celebrities like more than attention, is pretending that they are charitable. So when 14 celebrities put their careers on hold to fight for their charities and become the Celebrity Apprentice, you know it is not about the egos. It is all about the charities. It's the Celebrity Apprentice III.

The celebrities are a mix of sports stars, comedians, actors and musicians, including Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete and Sinbad.  Donald Trump's hair is faker than ever and he is committed to "firing the asses off each and every one of them"

It's the women versus the men.  "Totally  barking mad" Cyndi Lauper is elected the project manager of the ladies' team, Tenacity.   Bret Michaels , lead singer of rock band Poison, is positioned to head up the men.  The teams are tasked with running a New York city diner, creating the menu and serving up their own noxious creations. The team who makes the most money, wins.

Right out the gate Rocksolid has an unfair advantage: celebrity chef, Curtis Stone, wrangles up truffles and a plan to sell super expensive food.  There are quite a few sports stars in the men's team and they are good team players.  Poor Tenacity on the other hand  has a Victoria's Secret Model in charge of the food and is stuck with Sharon Osbourne, swearing profusely and posing for paparazzi. Holly is very bossy. Cyndi wants to serve strawberries with hamburgers and is concerned that she looks heavy on the promotional material.  When exasperated writer and comedian Carol Leifer declares them "a bunch of dumb b*tches" you know you are in reality television heaven.

On the day Tenacity delivers burnt chips and a spaced out Cyndi Lauper singing to an accordion. Sharon hides in the kitchen in shame of what she dubs a "####ing Star Wars bar".   Rocksolid initially encounters resistance to their 100 and 250 dollar burgers,  but finally manage to lure in some fat cats.     Secret guest judge Joan Rivers, and current reigning Celebrity Apprentice, slates them for serving her a cold burger and awards a 10 000 dollar bonus to the more frugal Tenacity.

Back in the boardroom it is revealed that Rocksolid  are the clear winners, raising the most money for their charity, despite the head start given to Tenacity. The ladies at first feign solidarity but eventually arbitrarily turn on least glamorous Carol and the Donald sends her packing.

The episode ran overly long, but was littered with brilliant moments, mostly thanks to Sharon Osbourne and her filthy mouth.  Worthy of the Monday night slot, this series promises to be hugely entertaining.

The Celebrity Apprentice airs on M-Net on Mondays at 20h30

X Factor USA - Top 7 Results

What goes around, comes around.  To our great amusement, Simon has been positively awful to his fellow judges over the past few weeks, last night (during the Top 7 Tribute to Michael Jackson) even referring to them as “Wiggly, Squiggly and Whatever”.  In tonight’s double elimination, Simon paid the price. Well, not really him, but one of his contestants, anyway.

In the results show, the contestants had to face the aftermath of the disastrous and tasteless Tribute to Michael Jackson.  This time without the Jackson clan.  (They were probably booked for some other tribute somewhere else. And thank goodness for that, because watching that whole family piling onto a dead horse and riding it to market is a disturbing sight.)

Chris Rene, Melanie Amaro and Rachel Crow were quickly sent to safety.  After a guest performance from rapper Tinie Tempah, the fate of the remainder of the top 7 was revealed. With only Josh between her and failure, Nicole leaped for joy when he was also sent to safety, leaving Drew, Marcus Canty and Astro in the bottom three.

In a double elimination the contestant with the lowest number of votes is sent home immediately, without any intervention from the judges.  Astro showed no surprise when his name was called. Once the sensation about his poor behaviour from two weeks ago had blown over, he was safely back where he belonged. At the bottom. He had two weeks to prepare for the moment and took it well.

Drew was inconsolable and not in a position to sing for her life.  She muddled through Roxette’s Listen to Your Heart.  Marcus Canty similarly struggled through One of Us by Gladys Knight but outperformed Drew. And then it was sweet revenge time for the judges.  LA, Nicole and Paula voted against Drew, with Simon jumping out of his seat in disgust and Drew nearly collapsing in sobs.

The rest was pure reality television melodrama.  Simon was livid and with no judges to safely take it out on anymore, poor Steve got the brunt of it, resulting in a visibly rattled Steve almost losing it as well, struggling through the remainder of his lines.  The curtains closed as Drew disappeared into a huddle of sympathetic contestants.

American Horror Story - Pilot

American Horror Story comes from the stable of the creators of Nip/Tuck and Glee. Whilst the characters do not randomly break into choreographed song, it similarly tests the boundaries of television.   Every scene is a little horror movie on its own, crammed with images and techniques from every known movie or series in the genre.  And whilst there is very little originality in the various elements of the story, the end product is so concentrated and intense that the experience is totally unique.

The story. In 1978 two spoilt twin brothers die in an old haunted house.  In the current day, a family moves into the same house, which has apparently been lovingly restored.  They bring their own demons.  Vivien Harmon (Connie Britton) is still suffering from the consequences of a traumatic miscarriage, whilst trying to overcome the infidelity of her psychologist husband, Ben (Dylan McDermott).  Their chain smoking daughter, Violet (Tessa Fermiga) has to adjust to the new school and violent bullying from a female class mate.  

Some excitement comes when creepy neighbour Constance (Jessica Lange) invades their house in search of her vicious  Down Syndrome daughter.  Housekeeper, Moira (Francis Conroy) also forces her way into their lives, bizarrely manifesting as a young sex kitten to philandering Ben. Vivien is impregnated by a man in a gimp suit.  She thinks it's Ben, but the viewer knows it's not.

Dodging Moira's affections, Ben starts up his psychology practice from the house and encounters Tate (Evan Peters), a deliciously psychotic young man. Tate takes a liking to Violet, to the great distress of Ben.  Tate helps her to scare off the school bully by luring her into the basement of their haunted house.  But when, in the climax of the pilot, he unleashes terrifying and violent visions on them, she chases him from the house.

The story clearly needs time to evolve away from the cliched premise, but shows enough promise to keep our interest.  Rated 18, and littered with violence, depravity, deformity and sagging naked man ass, this is strictly late night viewing material.  Keep an eye out for Zachary Quinto in later episodes.

American Horror Story lurks on M-Net Series on Fridays at 22h30.