Okay, so maybe she is
not the Antichrist, but she is definitely one of the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Or one of their horses at the very least.
It is Nigella Lawson, of course, faux chef and seductress extraordinaire. Although - and she would quickly tell you - she is much too pretentious to consider herself an actual chef. She does after all handle a knife like a disturbed five year old, is too lazy to measure out ingredients or even peel an onion. In fact her only cheffy aspiration is her somewhat laughable claim of having asbestos hands. In her role as culinary Delilah she is much more accomplished. She might not seem capable of mixing more than three ingredients together over heat, but she certainly knows how to turn up that heat with skin tight dresses and seductive murmurs. See, she can't just tell us that she is pouring that goopy batter into a baking tin. She has to huskily declare that she decants the luscious silky mix slowly onto the waiting baking tin, while she eagerly sucks some off a manicured nail, clearly more intent on concocting suggestive puns than actual edible food.
A charade from beginning to end, she serves up lazy, insipid and frequently rancid looking creations to an eager (or perhaps nervous?) mix of politically correct "friends" like she is unveiling monumental culinary revelations, and with such condescension, you would think she is feeding little children or the family dog. The crowning achievement of each episode is a bizarrely re-enacted midnight feast where she traipses around a darkened kitchen (set) with red back lighting - reminiscent of a certain district in Amsterdam - her ample bosom barely contained in her night gown.
This festive season Nigella is all over our screens again, dishing up bulging Christmas treats oozing with sticky sauces. Watch her in Nigella Kitchen on Wednesday, 14 December 2011 at 20h25 on BCC Lifestyle serving up her self titled slut's spaghetti, or on Sunday 18 December 2011 at 18h00 in Nigella's Christmas Kitchen where she promises to show us how to whip a pavlova into mountainous peaks.
Nigella is married to multi millionaire Charles Saatchi. He reportedly refuses to eat any of her food and survives on a diet of cereal and boiled eggs, which she is not allowed to touch.
Fans of MasterChef who do not have PVR's might find themselves faced with a difficult decision tonight when the timeslots for the two new MasterChef series clash.
How do you prefer your MasterChef? Dished up by the slightly dull vegetable expert, Gregg Wallace or stared and sniffed at by an appallingly over the top Andrew Atkinson drowning in a suit three sizes too large? And how do you prefer your contestants? Cooking in real restaurants and being exposed to the real pressures of being a chef, or being grilled on a pretty set by the three stooges?
