Californication - Season 5 Episode 1

Clearly the pair of pants that Hank Moody could keep it in has not been made yet. It might be a few years later, but Hank is on his way back to California for another season of you know what.

Californication returns to M-Net on Tuesdays at 22h30

Vampire Diaries - Season 3 Episode 11

A big bite better than the cutesy Twilight and just a nibble short of the overly gritty True Blood, Vampire Diaries is a fast paced teen vampire drama with a delicious dark side. Featuring oodles of attitude and a whole host of hotness, Vampire Diaries is one show that has never shied away from continuously slashing away at the cast, always leaving us on the edge of our seats as to who we might be losing this week.

And sadly tonight it's an old favourite: Elena's not-so-little-anymore younger brother, Jeremy.  With us from the very first episode, we've seen Jeremy go from naive troubled teen to a shockingly remorseless meat cleaver wielding hybrid slayer - which is also why he has now been sent packing to go live with family friends in Denver.

Is this the last we will see of Jeremy? Will he get his happily ever after in Denver? Don't you bet on it.  Jeremy still has a very important role to play before season 3 is finished, but whether he will be back for keeps, we will just have to wait and see.

Vampire Diaries heats up Vuzu on Mondays at 20h30

American Idol - Top 8 Results

What on earth has happened to Top Billing?

From the title sequence where the can-can dancer is lifting her dress to the very first link where the presenter is stalked by a disturbingly camp shirtless creature, you get a nasty feeling that this is no longer the Top Billing you used to love and admire.

Gone are the days of classy and witty presenters.  Their replacements sell a very different lifestyle - whether it's the fake-as-a-Thai-ladyboy Ursula Chikane (nee Stapelfeldt) or the garish Jeannie D, who loving fondles a large telescope whilst giving the camera such a well practiced sultry glance that you have very little trouble imagining how she got the job in the first place.

The reporters sink even lower with their cleavage and attention grabbing posing.  Inserts feature some woman called Lorna throwing herself at half naked men at the Mr South Africa pageant or Janez Vermeiren continuously ripping off his shirt to compare his body with that of an innocent bystander, and so sincerely that you feel you are intruding on a very personal moment.

Even the signature interior decorating showpiece has had a sleazy make-over where Jeannie D takes appreciation to a whole new level.  She traipses around the show house seductively, one moment feeling up the fabrics and faking ecstasy and the next trying to straddle a wooden horse in her hot pants and purring provocatively that she should have brought her bikini instead. At the end of this vulgar spectacle, you could be forgiven for thinking that the owners of the house would probably need to have it fumigated.

About as classy as a high class hooker, and just as tired and desperate, Top Billing has clearly fallen upon hard times.  And who are we to judge? After all, if all else fails, sex still sells.

Top Billing hangs on for dear life on SABC3 on Tuesdays at 20h00

Game of Thrones - Season 2 Episode 1

Season 2 of Game of Thrones promises more of the dazzling dialogue, breathtaking cinematography, brilliant acting and the graphic sex and violence we have come to love and expect from our favourite TV show.

Taking up the story where the season 1 finale left off, the first episode of season 2 reintroduces us to all our favourite Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons and the lone Targeryen.  It also introduces us to a few new faces, most notably the late King Robert's younger brother and rightful heir to the throne, Stannis Baratheon and his sinister advisor, Milesandre.

 

Milesandre of Asshia is a priestess on the island stronghold of Dragonstone. Possibly only the second character in Game of Thrones with supernatural abilities (after fire walking Daenerys, of course), she very quickly establishes herself as a formidable and downright scary presence.  (Fans of the show should keep a close eye on her necklace when she drinks from the poisoned chalice!)                    

Entirely in a league of its own, the magnificent Game of Thrones lights up M-Net on Fridays at 21h30  (as of 13 April 2012).  Don't miss the preview of the first episode tonight after the Sunday night movie.

Our favourite moment of season 2 so far?  It has to be that little whimper Joffrey lets out after he gets slapped.  After all, what is Game of Thrones without some Joffrey slapping?

The Graham Norton Show - Season 8 Recap

The recap of season 8 features an amusing scene where Bette Midler takes a tumble off Graham's couch during an particularly graphic explanation by fellow guest David Haye, and unintentionally flashes her unmentionables to the world.

The Graham Norton Show continues on BBC Entertainment on Fridays at 20h35

Missing - Pilot Review

Sean Bean just doesn't have any luck.  First he get his head lopped off halfway through the first season of Game of Thrones and now he gets blown to pieces in the very first scene of the pilot episode of Missing.  

Ten years later, his middle aged widow, Becca Winstone (Ashley Judd) is a ex- professional spy turned creepy overprotective mother that trades her flower shop for some serious ass kicking action when her only son goes missing whilst studying in Rome.  Brandishing coat hangers and letter openers, Becca dons a pink sweater and goes into frenzied maternal overdrive when she realises that her son has been kidnapped.  In pursuit of the bad guys, she scales buildings, picks locks, races a Vespa and kills a professional assassin with her bare hands, all within the first 20 minutes.

Totally unbelievable and extremely entertaining, the pilot of this fast paced action drama was shot on location in Paris and Rome.

Missing crashes onto M-Net on Saturdays at 20h00

Jane by Design - Pilot Review

It's a well established fact that teenage girls can do anything: solve murders, battle vampires, save mankind, and yes, even take on the fashion world. After all, these things are much easier than being popular and getting a boyfriend.

Pretty Jane Quimby (Erica Dasher) is supposedly a plain and dateless high school student. She is also mistaken for being a twentysomething career woman and unintentionally lands a job at fashion house Donovan Decker as executive assistant to Gray Chandler Murray, a Miranda Priestly archetype played by Andie McDowell.  Even though she calls Jane by the wrong name, tells her she won't last a week and continuously puts the phone down in her ear, the only thing genuinely horrible about this ice queen wannabe is the acting.

But not to worry, Jane has many handsome love interests:  the stereotypical high school jock, the philandering head designer at Donovan Decker and maybe even her best friend Billy. Will Jane be able to make a success of her job? How long will she keep her age under wraps? And more importantly, will she finally get a boyfriend?

Quirky high school teen drama and Devil Wears Prada knock off, Jane by Design is a visual treat with lots of pretty people and pretty clothes but ultimately leaves much to be desired. Unless you are teenage girl.

Jane by Design airs on M-Net Series on Fridays at 19h30

Terra Nova - Series Finale (Part 1)

All good things come to an end. And fortunately, so too do horrible TV shows.

Lauded as the most expensive TV show ever, the dreary and confused family drama meets dino disaster, Terra Nova, was cancelled after the first season - possibly also making it the most unsuccessful show ever.  Proving conclusively that no amount of money can fix a horrible and unoriginal idea, the bloated Terra Nova quickly collapsed under the onslaught of TV critics and the general public and turned belly up when it was cancelled by the Fox Broadcasting Network. When no other network was willing to step in to resuscitate the ailing monster, it was finally declared dead.      

Here in South Africa we have also been struggling through this tedious mess of a series, but fortunately the end is nigh.  And in true Terra Nova style, the season (and series) finale is a big one. So big in fact, that it will take two flushes to get this one down.

Part one of the series finale - entitled "Occupation" - airs tonight (Wednesday, 4 April 2012) on M-Net at 20h30

MasterChef South Africa - Episode 3

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then we wonder ....

Is this honestly the sort of food one would expect from a top 25 contestant?  (Being sent to your room without dinner is probably not much of a punishment in that house.)

Does Andrew Atkinson. Have. A speech. Impediment?  (Or does he intentionally act like a complete moron?)

And are there actually people living in South Africa who have never braaied before?  (We say Home Affairs should be alerted immediately. Oh, and in this case, the fashion police too.)


MasterChef South Africa airs on M-Net on Tuesdays at 19h30