SA Idols Season 8: Something wicked this way comes

Board up your windows and lock your doors.  The horror that is South African reality television intensifies this weekend when the foulest franchise to plague our nation is resurrected to walk the earth for yet another season.

Unleashing a scourge upon the land, the siren call of fame brings to life thousands of mindless hungry ghouls, desperately clawing their way out of graves of obscurity for a moment in the light.  In their thousands they follow the scent of decay and descend upon stadiums and community centres, wandering aimlessly in queues.

After a long day of pushing and snapping, the moment arrives when individual contestants are herded into a well lit dungeon, lined with cameras.  There they proceed to tear the heads off their favourite songs and suck the life from horrified viewers. A gruesome display, their feverish and off key lamentations make it clear that the only pitch these contestants have ever heard of was a type of fork the villagers back home chased them with.

A creatively starved production that has long ago been killed off by scandal, the grating display is perpetuated and manipulated by a trio of judges and sustained only by the power of their egos and the life force that they draw from a terrified camera man aiming the lens in their general direction.  Limitless in their capacity to bore and annoy, and seemingly unstoppable, they return year after year, and when one self destructs in a vodka fuelled explosion of boney shrapnel, another hungry emissary of undeath immediately  rises to take its place.

Who will receive a golden stamp of approval from the undead trio and what foul creatures will they unleash on us this year?

South African Idols Season 8 starts on M-Net on Sunday, 3 June 2012, at 17h30

Alcatraz - Pilot Review

"On March 21st 1963, Alcatraz officially closed," the grisly narrator tells us in the opening moments, "due to rising costs and decrepit facilities.  All the prisoners were transferred off the island. Only that's not what happened. Not all."

Alcatraz is about the mysterious disappearance of 300 odd prisoners and guards off Alcatraz and how they have suddenly come back without having aged a day.  Remember when the whole world blacked out and saw a flash of the future in Flash Forward?  Remember how little you cared about the premise of that lifeless show?  Prepare yourself to care even less. 

Alcatraz takes a potentially intriguing premise and forces it into a flat and formulaic mold.  From the laughable tough and clever police officer and heroine Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones) to the quirky Alcatraz expert and comic book writer Dr Diego Soto (Jorge Garcia, better known for playing Hurley in Lost) and the sinister government agent Emmerson Hauser (Sam Neill), Alcatraz almost immediately falls into a pattern where Madsen investigates, Soto connects the dots and Hauser looks sinister.  Jokingly referred to by TV critics as Lost in reverse, this time around people are walking around in a city, having flashbacks about being on an island.

Whilst our heroes don't seem to be much fazed by the supposedly strange goings on, female viewers should be quite pleased when early on in the pilot one of Alcatraz's biggest secrets is revealed:  the Rock was apparently a prison for washed up male models. Inmates with perfect teeth, square jaws and designer stubble abounded.  And now, they have mysteriously been sent forward in time to wreak havoc on modern society.  It's all terribly mysterious and oh so very boring.

Amazingly, JJ Abrams, the producer of such marvels as Alias and Lost, is also responsible for this heavy humourless flop.  Perhaps too preoccupied with all his current motion picture successes, we are sure that even Mr Abrams himself was not too surprised when this lame duck was cancelled after one season.

Get retro fashion tips from the time lost Alcatraz inmates on M-Net on Tuesdays at 20h30

American Idol Season 11 - And the winner is...

A belated congratulations to a Phillip Phillips for taking the crown in Season 11!  All things considered, he is probably the most talented contestant to win in the past 5 years. And he can sing too.

Anaconda 3: Offspring

Tonight e.tv hits rock bottom and starts digging, when, for the third week in a row, they dredge up yet another Anaconda horror flick for the Sunday night movie slot.  

And Anaconda 3: Offspring is hands downs the runt of the litter, which, given the dubious quality of the first two instalments, is pretty much an accomplishment.  A sequel to the storyline of Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Offspring revolves around two large, angry and very hungry Blood Orchid enhanced snakes that escape from a secret laboratory and start chewing up the citizenry. Expect more nobodies to be devoured, but this time the acting, plot and even the CGI snakes themselves is even more transparent than before. The cherry on the cake? The hero is portrayed by the Hoff. 

Cheap and nasty and not even in a remotely funny way, Anaconda 3 is quite possibly the worst movie to feature in this time slot in a long time. We say, if you don't have any options other than to watch this junk, rather read a book.

Anaconda 3: Offspring airs on e.tv tonight at 20h00

Enlightened - Episode 10 (Season Finale)

Amy is mad and she is not going to take it anymore. 

Sadly, DSTV has not given viewers much of an opportunity to fall in love with the self destructive reborn corporate hippie Amy Jellicoe. Screening double episodes of Enlightened late on Saturday evenings on M-Net Series the first season of this remarkable comedy drama was over so quickly that most viewers have probably never even heard of it.

Tonight, in the season finale, Amy has another spectacular work place blow out when she declares war on Abaddon Industries, busts out the gasoline, soaks the offices and drops a match. How is she ever going to recover from this one?  Or is her over the top breakdown perhaps all just a clever metaphor?

With a unique mix of touching drama and laugh out loud hilarity, Enlightened has not only earned Laura Dern a Golden Globe for her portrayal of a modern day corporate Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde, but it is definitely one of the best series to hit our screens this year.  

Watch Amy set fire to Enlightened on M-Net Series tonight at 22h30 and 23h00

The Bachelor - Season 15 Episode 9 - South African Fantasy Dates

Brad is coming to South Africa!  And no, ladies, unfortunately no panties will need to be flung at Cape Town International this weekend, because tonight's action was sadly shot on location in South Africa more than a year ago.

Having whittled the lustful ladies down to a desperate threesome, Bachelor Brad Womack drags Emily, Chantal and Ashley to scenic South Africa for more exciting dream dates.  Expect all the usual cliches.  The couples dress up in ridiculous safari gear and then get driven around to gawp at animals.  (One wonders what the purpose of those drab outfits are these days, other than being a neon sign pointing out the naive and gullible fools to the local criminals of course.) Bugs are eaten too and the obligatory elephants are ridden, but ultimately very little can be done to disguise the fact that poor old Brad is still not ready for what these ladies have to offer.

Don't miss The Bachelor tonight on Vuzu at 20h30

Bar One Manhunt - Season 2 Review

Like the old Bonnie Tyler song, Ursula Chikane is holding out for a hero. Yes, he’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast, but preferably he must also have visible abs.

The Bar One Manhunt is back! And no, it is not some ridiculous adventure dating show, it’s Bar One’s lame attempt at finding a rugged hero that supposedly embodies the 25 hour day that their brand is famous for.  Ironically of course, the very last thing any of their lean contestants would be wasting calories on at the end of a hard day is a Bar One, but clearly an adventure show featuring the kind of people who actually eat their products would be a lot less appealing, and for the contestants and camera men, probably life threatening as well.

Boasting the “strongest, fittest and smartest men in South Africa”, the whole show is premised on the concept that if you put fit and attractive men on screen and find any conceivable excuse for them to wear as little as possible you don’t need the smallest semblance of productions values to guarantee success.

But the knuckle dragging amateur beefcake dying to be discovered is the least of our worries.  Staring at this dreary mess in amazement, we have to wonder, when exactly did presenter Ursula Chikane become such a revulsion?  Yes, she has always been annoying, but back in the day when she was ambushing unsuspecting children at the beach with a big Junior Sport microphone, she still had a certain charm.  Sadly that is no more.  Drowned, it seems, in fake pretension, excessive ego or bitter arrogance, what was once relevant and trendy now has the appeal of a fetid corpse, bloated with foulness.

And when the Bar One cameras roll, Chikane doesn’t hold back on that foulness either.  Sporting a severe bleached hairdo, she takes charge, reciting instructions in a bored monotone and so slowly, that one has to wonder just how smart the “smartest men in South Africa” really are.  And like a bitter man hating drill sergeant she doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to snap condescending comments either.  As thoroughly unpleasant as the rest of this production, we can’t imagine that anyone could enjoy this nonsense with the sound on.

Bar One Manhunt is back on SABC3 on Thursdays at 20h00

Bar One’s marketing of this contrived sugar rush is reminiscent of a little child claiming to have dropped a chocolate bar in the bath.  They can swear high and low that its really a Bar One, but one look is enough to know that they are actually shameless passing off a sodden floating poo.

Whatever you do, don’t be tricked into taking a bite.

1000 Ways To Die

Not all cocaine fuelled drownings are an immediate ticket to sainthood.  

1000 Ways To Die shows very little respect for the dearly departed as they count their way through a collection of the dumbest deaths since the Darwin Awards.  From a cocaine snorting warlord that gets his insides shredded by cutting lines on a table with diamond dust, to a couple that join the mile high club before getting their necks snapped by turbulence, each sad little tale gets a delightfully corny re-enactment whilst the narrator goes to great lengths to extract humour from their untimely demise. And for the technical minded, they even consult medical and other subject experts to explain exactly what snapped, where and why. 

Extremely tasteless and totally addictive, 1000 Ways To Die is fast paced, fun, and yes, even informative. 

1000 Ways To Die entertains on week nights on Sony MAX at 17h15

Winners & Losers - Episode 22 (Season Finale)

What is it with season finales and weddings?  Quirky Australian comedy drama Winners & Losers comes to an end tonight when Bec and Matt finally get their dream wedding. But the happiness is short lived when Bec gets a nasty surprise.

Winners and Losers Season 1 concludes on M-Net Series tonight at 20h30

Starship Troopers

In the future, a fascist military state wages a war over resources with a foreign race they consider to be ugly and barely sentient. Naive young men and women are bombarded with propaganda and recruited to "save their world", but discover that sacrificing life and limb is a lot more painful than any of the promotional videos ever promised.

Brilliant war satire and comedy dressed up as over the top coming of age B grade sci-fi, Starship Troopers goose steps across our screens again tonight on M-Net Action.  Watch the impossibly square-jawed grunt Johnny Rico (Casper Von Dien) strap on his futuristic neo nazi armour and take on swarms of vicious Arachnids.  Whilst heads and limbs are sent flying in the gruesome encounters on the planet's surface, overhead perky young starship pilot Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards) dodges unique anti-aircraft fire: searing fireballs squeezed out of the anuses of giant lumbering bugs. 

Hilariously over the top, Starship Troopers pokes fun at every aspect of war and the blatant propaganda that  permeates it.  Mostly misunderstood during its release in 1997, this is one of those rare movies that gets better with age, taking on new relevance in light of the world events post 9/11.


Starship Troopers explodes in gory delight tonight on M-Net Action at 22h10