The Voice - Season 2

We are currently spoilt for choice when it comes to reality singing contests.  First American Idol Season 11 on M-Net and now increasingly popular, The Voice on SABC3.  Whilst this is hardly likely to mimic the ratings battle that these two shows are embroiled in in America, it certainly is a coup for SABC3 to air such a successful show so close on the heals of the original broadcast. A coup you'd think they'd be quite proud of and willing to show off.

So imagine our surprise when we noticed that the DSTV program guide describes the show as follows:

"A journey through the greatest vocal talents the world has ever heard.  The series combines classic archive, rare footage, unique performances and exclusive interviews with a legion of legends, from Pavarotti to Bono."

Is someone confusing the dearly departed Pavarotti with Cee Lo Green? Or do they just not know any better? Or care? After all, who watches TV anyway, eh?

The Voice airs on SABC3 on Wednesdays at 20h00.

Piranha 3D

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...

Piranha 3D is B grade comedy horror at its finest. Starring Steven R McQueen (yes, that's Elena's troubled younger brother Jeremy from Vampire Diaries), Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and various other hasbeens, this remake of a 1978 classic makes no bones of the fact that it is about two things only: sex and violence.  Featuring excessive nudity and numerous uncomfortably bloated bosoms, let's just say that once our hungry protagonists sink their teeth into the beauties, there is more than blood in the water.

The story is juvenile, formulaic and down right silly,  but executed with such gleeful delight that it just sweeps you along.  An earthquake releases prehistoric super piranhas from an underground cavern into a lake in middle America just as 20 000 drunken daylight partying students decend on the same lake for their spring break. Yes, there are lots of warnings, and no, they don't listen.  The end result is about 15 minutes of hilarious campy horror delight when the students become the buffet en masse, culminating in the most epic scene filmed with an outboard engine ever.

There is talk of a direct to DVD sequel being released soon.  Apparently the nibbly little critters find their way into the town's plumbing and cause havoc in swimming pools, bathtubs and toilets. Awesome.

Watch out for Piranha 3D on M-Net this month.

American Idol - Season 11

They're back!  The most successful incarnation of the Idols franchise ever.  You know, the one where the radio personality is the host instead of a judge, where the judges are mostly sober and the contestants have stylists. Oh, and talent.

American Idol Season 11 started off with a bang when Steven Tyler told a proud father that his 15 year old daughter is "hot, humid and happening". From there it was downhill as stiff ratings competition from The Voice drove the producers to shameless exploitation of collapsing and vomiting children during Hollywood week.  With the final 24 announced and the creepy kid with the cowboy hat safely home, we can now finally take the PVR off fast forward and actually start watching the show.

So, who do we love, who will win and who needs to go home? Now!

Of the many Adele wannabe's this year, one stands out: Jen Hirsh.  Jazzy, rich and chunky, this young lady has proven that she doesn't just eat like Adele, she can howl like her too.

The best personality of 2011 has to go to the hilarious Asian anti-hero Heejun Han. When asked by Ryan what he's sweating, he replied: "Mostly water."  If he didn't burst into tears at critical moments, we would honestly have thought he was the first professional Idol troll.

Our winner for 2011 is the charming pawn shop employee with the constipated voice, Phill Phillips.  Not the best vocals, but the most unique. Definitely the best smile though.  

         VS

Most reviled is a tie between Brielle von Hugul's repulsive boozy stage  mother and the utterly contrived Colton Dixon, who is way too cool to audition (and eat, apparently.) 

American Idol Season 11 is on M-Net on Saturdays at 18h00 and Sunday afternoons.

Terra Nova - Pilot (Genesis Part 1 & 2)

FINALLY! Someone on television gets it right.

When obnoxious know-it-all teenagers rebel and head off into the prehistoric bush to drink purple fruit mampoer and do whatever other suspect things teenagers do, what happens to them?

They get hunted, mauled, terrorised and eaten.

Please can we see more of this!



Terra Nova roars onto M-Net on Wednesdays at 20h30.

(If you missed the two part pilot, there is a repeat on Saturday 28 January 2012 at 17h00.)

ARE YOU WATCHING: Work of Art: The Next Great Artist

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist might present a reality talent competition in the same format as Top Chef and Project Runway but the subject matter is so vibrant and so unique that it succeeds as a true work of art in its own right.

Last week, in a double elimination, John Parot got eliminated first because he misspelt fellatio on his lacklustre attempt at shock art.  Second to pack her brushes was Nao Bustamante, who got the boot, not just because her bizarre performance art lacked any real purpose, but because her simulation of pulsating excrement did not smell like the real thing.  You just cannot make this up.

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist airs on Vuzu on Mondays at 19h30

THE SATURDAY NIGHT MOVIE GUIDE

January normally means Saturday nights in.  So, what's on the box tonight?

Hardus Vogel (Albert de Villiers), Blapsie's six pack on the side from the comedy series Molly en Wors (currently on kykNET), permanently loses his shirt and gets his own movie, Stoute Boudjies. 

Never mind what it's about - with clothes, good taste and plot glaringly absent, you can just sit back, laugh and immerse yourself in a joyous common more virulent than flesh eating bacteria.

Stoute Boudjies airs on M-Net tonight at 20h30.

  

More subtle and certainly more satisfying is the sweet quirky drama Stranger than Fiction.

Will Ferrel makes a dramatic turn as Harold Crick, a lonely IRS agent obsessed with numbers, who suddenly realises that his life is being narrated by someone that sounds exactly like Emma Thompson.  The only problem is that the narrator is a real author. And she has a knack for killing her main characters.

Also staring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman and Queen Latifah, Stranger than Fiction is a rare gem of a movie and definitely the best thing on the box tonight.

Stranger than Fiction airs on e.tv tonight at 22h10.

Why would you watch kykNET on a Friday?

A good reason not to

Scraping the very bottom of reality television and plastering it on the faces of contestants is the master of motley makeovers and self titled Glam Guru, Hannon Bothma.

Courageous Hannon pumps his own face full of snake venom and openly wears make up.  Each week he lures shy and frumpy middle aged women into his den of depravity with promises of facial rejuvenation and fashion revival.

As if mesmerised by his dead forehead, perfectly plucked and pencilled eyebrows and patronising demeanour, the poor dears allow this plastic monstrosity and his curling and teasing team of drones to inflict heinous crimes of fashion on their limp hair and sagging bodies, transforming them from conservatively awful to positively laughable.

Complete nonsense that can not be tolerated by any right thinking human being - the lasting popularity of this show clearly illustrates why democracy is not a good idea.

Currently in its umpteenth season Glam Guru continues to fester on kykNET on Fridays at 18h00

But why you probably should

Time travel to 1976 and watch the birth of the comedic genius that is Tobie Cronje in the title role of Willem, a bumbling fool private detective with a heart of gold, who is unwillingly dragged into outrageous situations by his desperate to be paid secretary, Pennie (Katinka Heyns).

Apart from terrible sound quality in parts (that could easily be rectified by the addition of sub titles), this 35 year old series has aged remarkably well, with the outdated vehicles and ridiculous outfits adding to the hilarity.

Willem airs on kykNET on Fridays at 20h00.

COMING SOON: Kim's Fairytale Wedding

Witness a real life fairytale wedding with a not so happy ever after.

Yes, it might be mindless television, but no less mindless than the endless  parade of formulaic CSI and NCIS clones that crowd prime time television.  And certainly no less mindless than the scores of "I have never watched them, but I hate them" drones.

Guess what: it's glamorous, scandalous, hilariously funny and very entertaining.

Yes, Kim probably had surgical buttock augmentation.  Yes, Khloe looks like a drag queen. And yes, it is all totally and utterly fake. So is most of reality television.  They have arranged weddings in India too. Get over it.

Part 1 of Kim's Fairytale Wedding airs on E! Entertainment Television on Sunday 15 January 2012 at 22h00

Why 2012 will be positively porntastic

What does television have in store for us in 2012? Porn, porn and more porn. Yes, there’s a new season of Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl and the half Lost, half Avatar, half Jurassic Park and complete mess that is Terra Nova, but honestly who cares when we can have porn. And not the limp fumbling late night e.tv nonsense variety. Real porn. 

Top TV plans on rolling out a Playboy TV hardcore porn package by end January 2012.  But those evil people at ICASA are apparently trying to stop them. They would probably ban the internet if they could. We say stand up for your rights and order your dish right now.

Happy New Year!!

In case in anyone missed it, guess what was the very first movie aired by M-Net in the early hours of the 1^st of January 2012? 

Why, 2012, of course, that over the top CGI fest disaster movie where microwaves from the sun boils the Earth's core, the Northern Hemisphere falls into a giant sink hole and the most resilient and annoying American survivors set sail for the Drakensburg.

A truly inspiring vision of the future.  Happy New Year to you too, M-Net.