American Idol - Season 11 Top 10

As predicted Colon Dixon has started spouting religion on stage.  Can this fake piece of trash be more transparent?  Apparently he has now also started plastering so many bible verses on his Idol Twitter account that he has been cautioned by the producers.

The Top 10 performance was also a watershed moment for wannabe comedian Heejun Han.  When asked by style consultant to the show, Tommy Hilfiger, who his style icons are, he listed (fellow contestant) Jessica Sanchez, Madonna and Michael Bolton.  Seemingly in response to his bottom three showing last week, Han also came out on stage with a ridiculous performance of Billy Joel's "My Life" that prompted a clearly unimpressed Steven Tyler to remark that the music industry will kick his ass.

Anti-Idol internet phenomena Vote for the Worst has identified Han as their candidate for 2012 and are running an aggressive voting campaign to keep Han in the show.  We will have to wait for the results show to see if this is working.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturdays at 18h00 and Sunday afternoons.

Bravo! - Episode 1 Review

A brand new magazine show slipped through the cracks this week:  Kyknet's Bravo!  Basically Top Billing meets Flash! meets an Afrikaans remedial school, this show features a large amount of copying and very little thinking.  Similar to Flash!, Bravo! claims to see glamour, class, style and celebrities where the cameras do not.  They even go as far as to repeatedly call the Fiestas (annual Afrikaans theatre awards) the South African Oscars for the theatre.  Whilst this is wrong on so many levels, you are ultimately left wondering if they have even heard of the Tony Awards.

The only redeeming quality is the return of old pro Henre Pretorius as a presenter.  The rest of the presenters and reporters take turns to leave either bland or vile tastes in the mouth.  When terminally wooden Hannes van Wyk asks Arnold Vosloo if you have to sleep with anyone in Hollywood to be successful, we can't help but have a distasteful flashback to a certain South African soapie and producer.  And is that a brief flash of disappointment we notice when Vosloo responds in the negative?

Not totally unwatchable, Bravo! is just ultimately so dull and uninspired, it is doubtful that it will still be around next year.

Bravo! airs on Kyknet on Thursdays at 19h30.

What does Modern Family have to do with MasterChef SA?

Hilarious irreverent mockumentary meets sitcom, Modern Family, is a good reason to look forward to Wednesdays.

Each character, whilst inherently a stereotype, comes alive in such a brilliant and realistic way that other TV shows pale in comparison. What is their secret? Yes, brilliant writers and a clever concept goes a long way, but so too does having your actors fit their roles almost perfectly. Because ultimately finding a form of expression whether in work, art or entertainment that is truest to who you really are is a very powerful thing.

Sadly, this is where SA reality TV in particular goes very wrong. When Randall on SA Idols pretends to be a mean Simon Cowell clone, he comes off as a constipated idiot that slipped and came down awkwardly on a Toilet Duck. Or when the clearly jovial and friendly new judges on MasterChef South Africa try to emulate the arrogant pompous cravat wearing ringmasters from the Aussie show, they seem like Smartie offering sex offenders.

Take a hint from the cast of Modern Family and rather work hard and excel at being yourselves!

Modern Family lights up Wednesdays on M-Net at 19h30.

MasterChef South Africa - Episode 1

If you are too good to go to cooking school or actually work in a kitchen, but still dream about being a chef, then you can skip the trouble of becoming a real chef and become a MasterChef instead.

Jokes aside, Master Chef South Africa is a very watchable high quality production - if you are a fan of the Australian and American formats of the show, that is.  A giant leap forward for reality television in South Africa, it actually features likeable judges - when they are not pretending to be stern, which we will hopefully see less of in future- , interesting, fun and diverse contestants, high production values and some pretty good looking food. 

Definitely a show to keep an eye out for.

MasterChef SA sizzles on M-Net on Tuesdays at 19h30.

Note to judges: staring at someone blankly whilst chewing their food does not make you look stern and discerning. It makes you look like a stalker and a sex offender.

Inkaba - Episode 1

If you have ever wondered whether there is a form of entertainment lower than a soapie, then wonder no more. There is. It is called a telenovela. And Inkaba is it.

Giving new meaning to cheap and trashy, Inkaba pushes the limit of what is possible with a lack of imagination, a shoe string budget and one camera.  Not since "Simunye - We are One" has concept and execution been this laughable and cringeworthy.  From writers that have a character casually comment that she wants to wear her sister's "garments", to continuity presenters trying (clearly for the first and hopefully for the last time) to act; from horrible sepia backflashes a la TV4, to sets so cheap and flimsy they remind you of Woofles and Pumpkin Patch, Inkaba continuously and consistently amazes with its poor quality.

Talking about Woofles, whilst telenovelas are usually known for their hunky heroes and sexy stars, Inkaba features a complete dearth of sex appeal. Oh yes, they try to be racy, but between the sad outfits, cheap sets, tacky background music and horrible acting, you only end up feeling sorry for the poor creatures who are clearly getting paid very little to grope one another for our supposed entertainment.

Mzansi Magic is proud to declare that considerable money has been spent marketing this embarrassment.  It's just a pity no money actually went into making it.  The set piece for the much hyped pilot episode is supposed to be a glitzy fashion show, but the end result is a few greasy models parading outfits last seen at the Matric Farewell of a Karoo town in 1995, thundering down a flimsy runway and dodging the rest of the delipidated set, in front of a crowd of ten.  And this is perhaps where the terminal frugality of the show becomes most apparent: if you can't even afford to use an extra to fill out a crowd for your pilot episode, you either have to turn every penny or you probably just couldn't be bothered, because - let's be honest - sad and desperate attention whores - like Mika Stefano - would probably have sacrificed a testicle to join that motley crowd for free. As a whole, the show creates the distinct impression that is was shot in the producer's own living room and garage.

More the type of fair one would expect on SABC1 than a pay channel that prides itself on commissioning good local content, this sad amateurish mess is an embarrassment to the South African television industry and hands down the worst show in its time slot.  Sadly, it is not even so bad that it is good, it is just plain bad.  And the promise of another 200 plus episodes of this drivel is a horror too great to fathom.

Inkaba stinks up Mzansi Magic from Mondays to Thursdays at 20h30.

"The characters in Inkaba are entirely fictional, correlation to any individual is coincidental."  Does that mean that racist disaster Kuli Roberts - who plays herself - was just a figment of our imaginations?

DRAMA ALERT: American Idol

Hot on the back of rumours that Stacey Francis was somehow involved in Whitney's death, American Idol is proving that it does not have to stand back when it comes to story telling psycho contestants.  Rumours are flying that the "Gentle Giant", Jermaine Jones, is in fact not so gentle, and faced at least two arrests last year, one apparently related to violence and also has outstanding warrants.  It is being suggested that he apparently also lied about being estranged from his father.  Having a criminal record is a big no-no in Idol land, so everybody is waiting with bated breath to see if he will be kicked off the show and whether self proclaimed future Grammy winner and compulsive eater, Jeremy, will be hauled back for the second time and then eliminated for a third time.

American Idol desperately tries to hold on to its previous ratings fame on M-Net on Saturdays at 18h00 and Sunday afternoons.

We look forward to next week when it will probably be revealed that Colton Dixon is actually a 12 year old school girl with the family cat on her head.

DRAMA ALERT: Top Chef Just Desserts - Episode 4

Tonight, the creme anglais hits the fan, as in a dramatic turn of events, not one, but TWO contestants leave the show before Gail can politely ask them to leave. You won't believe the chaos that paper cups can unleash when mental disease is exploited on reality television.  Don't miss it!

Top Chef Just Desserts airs on M-Net Series on Saturdays at 19h30.

Cake Boss

A living testament to why sugar is bad for you, Bartolo "Buddy" Valastro is the titular Cake Boss.  If you grew up eating random objects that normal people would not consider edible, then this reality show featuring Buddy and his cake shop in Hoboken, New Jersey is for you.  The show features hyperactive loudmouth Buddy and his legions of obese and sweaty cousins and brothers-in-law cobbling together moving robots, life sized race cars, beaches and even rhinoceroses out of rice crispy treats covered with dyed fondant or modelling chocolate. And Buddy does it extremely well, as he will pause every 3 minutes to tell you. 

When Buddy and family are not sweating over someones birthday "cake", they take some time out to scream at each another.  Generally, though, the manufactured personal dramas are as plastic and fake as their cakes.

Morbidly fascinating fair - not unlike a car crash - the most exciting moments are usually when, back in the kitchen, Buddy declares that he is going "old school", breaks out a piping bag of royal icing and inflicts kitch horrors upon unsuspecting sponge cake.

Cake Boss airs on Discovery Channel on Mondays to Fridays at 20h00.

Can anyone explain to us why someone would pay good money for a borderline edible creation that looks like a golf course in the first place?


See also Soul Food Family
              The Truth about Reality Television

American Idol - Top 24 results

The top 13 for season 11 has been announced, and it looks like a very promising season.  Just a pity there are two rotten apples that are sure to sour the experience.

Is it a grasshopper?

Is it a skunk?

No, it's Mr. Skinny Jeans himself, Colton Dixon.  Repulsive and contrived manorexic white trash, Colton revealed last night that he actually cuts his hair at home. Why are we not surprised? About as calculating as dumb can be, expect him to start spouting religion on stage very soon.  He will clearly do anything for a vote.


We just want to know, how is it even possible to walk on legs that thin?

DeAndre Brackensick.  The name says it all.

Spinning that spiral perm like a Patricia Lewis wannabe, this bizarre offspring from the Milli Vanilli era's singing voice alternates between an incomprehensible mumble and a hideous conscious altering screeching falsetto. Whilst the public has clearly had enough of this androgynous abomination, the judges dragged him back into the competition as a wild card.  Thank goodness for the mute button.

American Idol airs on M-Net on Saturday at 18h00 and Sunday afternoons. Times may vary.

WHY WOULD YOU WATCH: Top Chef Just Desserts?

1. Desserts and more desserts

Top Chef Just Desserts is all about pastries and desserts. Part science, part arts and craft, the show introduces us to the joy of fabulous desserts. Featuring chocolate fudge cakes, banana cream pies, pralines, bombes and many more, these vivid and luscious creations are feast for all the senses.


2.  Gail Simmons

Scott Schafer / Bravo

The ever delightful Gail Simmons takes a step up from her role as judge on Top Chef and hosts the new show.  She is joined by Johnny Iuzzini, Hubert Keller and Dannielle Kyrillos as judges.

3.   Drama like you've never seen on Top Chef

From the self titled "Snow Queen" to the utterly disturbed Seth Caro, Top Chef Just Desserts dishes up a bevvy of delusion and crazy the likes of which we have never seen on a cooking show.  Last week Seth had a complete emotional breakdown in the Quickfire challenge when his sorbet did not set in time.  A mere mortal would have been annoyed or depressed,  34 year old Seth started ranting and eventually crawled in under a table, weeping uncontrollably and babbling on about his mommy. (If you are an avid watcher of the show, you would probably have noticed that Seth is missing from the promotional picture above.  Keep watching to find out why!)

On a different note, fellow contestant Morgan Wilson was arrested soon after the end of the show on allegations relating to child pornography.  Watch out for scenes where he waxes lyrical about the virtues of little children.

Top Chef Just Desserts airs on M-Net Series on Saturdays at 19h30.